Sunday November 3

Well, yesterday was a wonderful day... I have been so blessed again..
You know this ugly, horrible, life threatening disease, which is wreaking havoc on the world round, killing millions of people and ripping families apart, I think has become one of the biggest blessing the Lord may have ever given me... I think this ugly black murderous pile of sludge is growing somewhat into a beautiful flower for me.  I think this life robbing cancer is saving my life and making me whole.( How can this be?)  It has given me more peace and Love in the last 10 days than I have had in years maybe even my whole life. Again how can this be??? Just to let you know I did have a brain scan this week and I am free of cancer cells there  for the moment...lol   I will try to explain what I am feeling...be patient.. (@

Lisa Kuypers Schroedter

you might need a padded seat on this one...lol)
I am a person that is very complicated in one way, but in another very simple.  I have from my earliest memories lead a life of hurt, pain, tears, fears, insecurities and so much more.  I am a person who is hurt very, very easily and retreats quickly behind a very thick wall built up of years of pain and  mistrust around this heart of mine...and once retreated there takes a lot of coxing to come back out. I am very hard on my self and trust me I can criticize and berate me better than any one in this whole world... see I know me, I know the deep down me the the one you pray that no one will ever truly know.. The one my God knows and despite everything loves me and wants to use me, with all my faults, flaws, sins and oodles of insecurities... On the flip side, I am a person who loves to help, I am creative, I am intelligent, I am a hard worker, I'll help anyone do anything let me get in and help, I love to help, I love to make things right ( my version of right whatever that is), I love to feed people like my nephew James knows ( some of his best memories of us) I want things to look beautiful and I want people to be happy, and love each other and get along and laugh and enjoy life.  I want to make this place a better place that when I was here and to help someone anyone  with a helping hand up ...Like so many have done for me.  I want to play it forward and give back  to my community anyway I can.......but here lies the rub how can I do that when I am insecure and hurt easy and retreat behind a strong fortress heart.....and I can't stand up for my self...all the damage done to me by this life of mine some, my fault but so much more taken out of my hands as a child and teenager. So I retreat deeper....I want to feel no more pain, I have cried oceans of tears and screamed at God so many times what is wrong with me??? Why did you create me this way???? What is my purpose???? Why am I living this life????
This has been my deep dark hurting heart this summer, and I know a lot of the mental pain I have been in, is because of the physical stuff growing in me, when your body is not working right and you have people constantly telling you your depressed and need to take pills you really begin to wonder, do I?  Is this the final blow to my pride do I admit that I need an antidepressant do I give in, will this little pill make everything cleaner clearer and brighter for me, will it make me stand up to people who hurt  me or would be cruel to me, will it make me stand confident against something I don't believe in, can I have courage and conviction and can I finally confront someone and stand up for me. Not to let others think they have the right to treat me this way?.. I really doubted that pill had that much power.  Instead, I went to the Great Physician, the Great Healer, the being who created me just the way I was, and who would listen to me better than my doctors or anyone else I reached out to.. and my plea to him was one simple word.....peace... Lord, please give me peace, please I cant do this anymore, I can't feel any more pain or hurt please maybe it's time to take me home, I have nothing else to do here, I just want peace.( let me state for the record I was not suicidal, just at the bottom calling up ... I was just tired....and I don't believe God is taken up my challenge or is punishing me for my honesty, I think he is teaching and guiding me). But You know what he has done... In these last 17 days of my life I see so clearly...I have never had so much peace and Love it's all most to unfair to mention.. My God , has healed one part of my cancer.. the part I let others and myself put in me... This horrible cancer has given me the opportunity to reconcile relationships that in my whole life I never even imagined to have happen. It's given me the opportunity to forgive, and let go of all the things and crap that don't matter. It has  all dispersed...at least today and that's all any of us can ask for... Today....
I had a wonderful day today, my sister (someday going to have to try to explain my very unusual family tree with crooked, broken branches, and up shoots everywhere but not today that's another story...) Suzette is my step sister by my mom and step dads marriage.. She and her oldest son James came to visit and stay with us for the weekend and is coming again next weekend also and will be here when ever I need her, cause she is my sister.  This is one of the relationships  God has healed through this time of rebirth for me. (scary grounds to walk on) @Suzette Earhart  
  is the same age as me she just turned fifty last week on Oct 30th and I turned fifty on Oct 9th...But I have decided to tell people that she is my older sister although anyone can see I am 3 weeks older.  Yesterday when we went out for a pedicure with my wonderful friend @Yvonne Weatherell  & my BIG sister...I love it!! I had not felt happiness in so long it made me cry.  I was happy and just being wiht people I lved and was going to love again.
We did not ever grow up together or live together I think probably the first time I meat her I was 15 or 16 or so, but had nothing to do with her, I didn't like her... at all.  I never had a chance to. (It's so hard when you write these things because other people's stuff gets involved... but I chose to be honest and sorry if some skeletons come flying out of the household closet but Halloween was last week and I got no time for this shit (OOPS tourettes syndrome again I don't mean to offend I know its a real horrible disease but it's my side effect right now)......See my step dad moved in when I was about 14, and I didn't really care for him at all. He was an authoritarian and he had a mean look on his face, appeared  grumpy to me all the time and I was afraid of him.  I could see he loved my mom and would do anything for her but I knew he didn't like me.. He always compared me to Suzette, she would never do that, she would have gotten better grades, she was an honour student,,,blah blah blah, i would ask for something for Christmas and she would get it and I wouldn't just crap like that..., you see how we never even had a chance..Not Suzette or my fault just the shit of someone else... And don't get me wrong after years of family crap and such I have come to Love Jerry very much and I know his heart is breaking for me,,,,we just all come from so much mess and hurt and boy how we carry that to other relationships....Any way my big sister is tall, and thin, and beautiful with blond hair, and big brown dark eyes and she has the biggest balls of anyone I know...and she's not afraid to use them...Some times good, sometimes a little scary., she even carries a badge..lol  she is everything I am not and I admire her for that and wish I could have some of it in me...We have been in and out of each others lives just by default but not really close, maybe for a little while about 22 years ago, when I finally decide to get my shit together and start a new life.  I left not even sure with a word to her and I abandoned her. I never meant to but I was thinking of the safety of me and my four kids and I think I hurt her, badly. I never meant to but I think I did.( Suzette please forgive me for anything I  have done to hurt you real or imaginary, )  I know there have been lots of tension, anger and jealously between us but I believe that is all behind us now..I think we both wanted to have this relationship so badly needing each other but so dug down in the dirt and mire,  how could you possibly dig this out and is it worth it  and life goes by so fast and here you are ....50 and looking back at lost time,  so nope not going to do it..I love you Suzette Earhart with all my heart and I would be proud to shout from and city corner that you are my beautiful big sister. I HAVE A BIG SISTER NOW AND YOU HAD BETTER NOT PICK ON ME, cause she will kick your butt and she carries a badge...and she is not going to let any doctors pick on me or hurt me cause she's never lost a case in court either....nanana ...And She is the best gift I could have been give for my birthday...We went out yesterday and we had a spa day and then we went and bought sister charms for our Pandora bracelets matching ones of course cause that's what sisters do....and when we have to we are going shave our heads together too... that what my sisters like......
I guess why I wanted to share this with you is to make sure that you reach out to someone now that perhaps you have had a falling out with, maybe something simple maybe much bigger, but someone has to make the first step. Maybe you have to hash things out, maybe you don't, guess I find that out after my big sister reads this....lol  Maybe just coming together and just looking at each other and deciding to make a change, no rights no wrongs, not faults, no buts just ... sorry can we try again.. the peace of mind and the blessings will flow freely and you will experience a peace that is wonderful and be able to get rid of that nagging regret if you never make it right.  Regret is a horrible thing to carry, its heavy, ugly and weighs you down... do your self a favour and through it away, open up you heart to more love in it.. forgiveness is not and easy thing ... Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is an action. It is a step you take, you choose to forgive and you remind yourself of that everyday and then one day you will notice the feelings have followed and you can feel the forgiveness... Free you heart and mind of pain, dig up that ugly black slimy thing in the corner of your heart and give you heart the room to grow some more love... I'm pretty sure there's always room for more love... God Bless you on this Glorious Sunday Morning.. Don't for get Clocks went back last night.....and I made it.....