- Nov 5Good Morning or maybe I should say Good afternoon. I woke up at 2:45 and I said NO I'm not doing it I wanna stay in bed and sleep.. well you most likely know how that went. I think God even flashed the lights on and off a few times, so here I'm up and feeling very grumpy....
I realized some time in my sleepless state of tossing and turning and trying very hard to be rebellious that I will never be normal ( not that I ever really believed I was but) I will just never be normal... I will always carry this label cancer survivor, cancer victim, cancer fighter,,,,if I have longer time, shorter time, cancer tests, check ups, I will always wear that label, and be a statistic, blah blah blah.. I don't want this...I don't want any of it. I don't want to be inspirational and strong and leading a bunch of people on this shitty journey with me. That's a lot of pressure and I am NO ONE....I am just a schizophrenic. woman strapped in to a freaking roller coaster with apparently a hand full of tickets, and no control......of anything ( you know how I feel about control)
WHY GOD? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then I lay there an in the still small voice with which only he can whisper, with love and compassion I hear, " Hope you asked for peace, have I not given that to you, you asked to feel loved, and do you not know how much you are and do you not feel loved for the first in your life, you asked for me to use you and I am. ( DAM I hate when He does that to me) So, now here I sit repenting ( rebelliously) saying fine you made your point here I am use me again!!! and you know what if I know anything about my God HE will....
Now, I'm sure your thinking what the hell is she ranting about she had a great day yesterday, well yes I did and thank you very much for reminding about it....
but it is strange and maybe that's what got me to this grumpy rebellious state this morning... I have thousands of people praying for me and I get the greatest news I can possibly get and I have no emotion, no feeling , no joy , no nothing, so now I sit and analyze ...( I am a great analyzer....I've wasted boat loads of time doing my best to figure and re-figure so here I take on more spin...)
The last date and time I remember is October 22, 9 pm..The date and time my life changed forever... It's like one of those events do you remember what you were doing on 911 or when Kennedy was shot....that is the last date and time I remember. The rest of the days since then have just passing by from appointment to appointment, event to event. I thought that I had in the few short days of learning all of this that I had gone through all the 5 stages of death and dying ( grief) ( I read the book years ago for nursing) denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance...I thought I processed them pretty dam quickly. but now not sure if i even went past the first step...Yesterday when my doctor said, "when I seen you 11 days ago, I gave you weeks, but now you are off my critical list and we will look at a couple of months to get you going..." My white faced husband grabbed me around the neck and started trailing kisses all over my face and head and sobbing and shaking ( I never seen him sob before) and he kept saying I love you, thank you, thank you, I'm thinking its just another couple weeks you get ta put up with me....( nice eh) but nothing... I think I was happy , why the heck wouldn't I be but nothing...He cried all the way to the parking lot into the vehicle and then I though oh crap am I going have to drive myself home again. I really need to look into getting a driver...lol He cried all the way home an hour of tears staining his beautiful soft skin, his sparkling blues eyes rimmed red... but he looked more like himself than he had since Oct 17th ( for him his date) and he was never so beautiful to me...If you don't know my husband he is ??? I can't even find the right word, I think charismatic but that's not right, jolly... nope he's just him a unique character that God created and there is no second mold... He is a 64 year old hippie, who has the bluest sparkling eyes and they twinkle they really do twinkle, with mischief and happiness and I believe where ever he goes he see's sun shining and peace symbols and colourful rainbows and there is always happy music playing in his head where ever he goes. If you met him you love him you have no choice its just that way, He wears tye dye every day, two different coloured socks sometimes running shoes in the winter, ten different coloured toe nails in the summer ( for real ask anyone who knows him) Pink is his favourite colour and he loves to make REAL men feel uncomfortable ...He is a tease has the biggest heart and laughter falls freely from him he has a jolly tummy and it shakes like a bowl of jelly when he does laugh and did I tell you he is actually a freaking real professional Santa... diploma and everything and he fills a room with joy just by walking into it. He wants nothing from any one and he only wants to help and give back and sometimes I am so angry with him because of it...I am so jealous of him, everything is easy for him he doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, he doesn't need praise or credits he just lives in his little ( never did drugs or drinks or swears) rainbow filled world. I have always thought I would like once just once for you to feel the stress and tension to know what it's like to live in my life with all the hurts and pains, and shit crap and corruption I have been through., because he has no understanding of pain and hurt and confusion, if you ask him what his family life was he will tell you he had the leave it to Beaver life and he did...he even looked like the little bugger....Well, again God in his infinite wisdom gave me yet another one of my wishes to see my husband in a state of pain and confusion and I feel horrible, I am the worse wife in the world to wish that on him, but I did and yer again it was my lesson to learn and i did and it broke my heart, one more thing to repent....... Driving home yesterday I started seeing my beautiful hippie husband start to fill up with colour again and I thank God that my fluids were down around my heart because my heart grew even bigger for this man who I love more than anything, in the world my over aged hippie Santa and I know with everything in my heart that he loves me for the first time in my life I know he loves me... another blessing from this journey. So quick recap of yesterday.. Fluid is down from 3.1 to 2.6 (for the numbers people), heart beating stronger, I have been taken off the critical list, timing is a little better 2-3 months, I did radiation day 6 yesterday, and expect to spank day 7 today. I have a day full of tests bone density and others I just go show up and heard me to the next one. I meet with the chemo doctor on Friday for tests up the ying yang but I think I am going to start next week on some chemo, so I am hopeful I will work on happy and joyful later...
Thank you so much for all the encouragement yesterday the high 5's, the tears, the who hoos, yahoo's and the rest of the great things and so on you lived my happiness and joy for me thank you so much... I think I just felt a little bit of the happiness from you guys.
I think I'm being cautious and that's okay too....
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
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