Good Morning Team Awesome
Well it’s been a week full of doctor appointments, lab work and tears. I have seen both my radiologist and oncologist this past Monday. My radiologist doesn't know what’s going on with me and said there nothing I can do for you( swollen face, shakes, weakness, exhaustion and now the anaphylactic stuff again)I just don’t know why you are reacting this way. There is nothing I can do for you so I am referring you to the palliative care doctor. (That did not make me feel very good at all). I then seen my oncologist and he is wondering if my miracle drug is now failing so I go this Thursday for a CT scan and see him Friday for the results. In the meantime when I was still sitting in the hospital waiting to leave, the Palliative care doctor phoned and gave me an appointment for Wednesday this past week so we went back to Oshawa on Wednesday again. I was nervous a bit as to what he was going to do for me, I mean palliative is sort of the end of the road kind of thing and I’m not ready for that yet or so I think). So I went and met Dr. Ho, doctor a very nice younger doctor who spoke wonderful English. I talked about my symptoms and we came up with a little bit of a plan to see if we could get some stuff under control. Then all of a sudden he started saying “you know you’re going to die? That this cancer is going to kill you! These brain tumours will win, Your oncologist has a bunch of magic tricks up his sleeve but that it is only going to prolong your life, do you understand you will never be healed, or go back, you are terminal and it will only be a matter of time. Do you have your will ready, do you want to be resuscitated, do you want to die at home or hospital if you have a choice?” Both Brad and I just looked at him stunned both of us crying. Am I hearing this correctly? Is he really saying this to me? It was like he took the last bit of Hope from me, like I was lying on the floor and he kicked me hard. I know these are things I need to deal with and Brad and I have discussed a lot of it all ready but I’m not ready to die or give up...or should I be? Am I the one who is unrealistic in my thoughts?
When I left the hospital all I could do was cry, both Brad and I driving for an hour crying...It was like all my Hope was gone...why am I trying, why am I thinking that I could be healed, I’ve heard the stories of so many before be that have last 20 years, I want to be one of them. Brad and I wept most of the night also, I just kept breaking out without any control, and my heart was so broken...
This week was my 1 year anniversary for many things; I find out I had cancer, had surgery, then that it was a very rare type of cancer and my radiation started and the world as I knew it ended for me this week a year ago. I would never look at things the same way again. My new life as a “cancer patient, survivor and eventually victim” all stated this week a year ago, but also my new life with new eyes started, I don’t look at things the same way at all, my blood pressure lowered and I forgot how to stress...something I was a veteran at.
Thinking this week about this being my year anniversary for so much, I decided to throw myself a 1 year anniversary party. I need to celebrate, I'm here another year, which we didn't think was going to happen, I had a birthday and thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to Christmas.
Damn it I'm not going anywhere! I hate to say it but they made me put my stubborn face on FUCK you cancer and anyone else that tells me I’m dying soon...I am a strong woman and i have walk to hell and back many times in my life and I always turned around and put my determined face on. I will fight damn it I will fight with every source of breathe I can beg borrow or steal, I will not be put down so easily, boy they don’t know Hope Stone very well, and I am looking for my miracle why not one for me?
God does many things; I don’t believe he is through with me yet.
This past Sunday I made up my mind I wasn't going to be a cancer victim anymore and I made Brad take the TV out of our bedroom and put it back, that I would be getting up to the table for my meals and I was going to walk to the end of the driveway every day. I and wasn't going to lie in bed waiting to feel better I was going to take control and at least try to make me stronger. And I had enough I had been lying in bed for 110 days waiting to feel better, well it certainly was doing it too quickly. Now, I am sick and weak so it was legitimate for me to be in bed but enough was enough. I have been sitting up more, eating at the table, watching TV in the kitchen and walking as my as I can, not much but baby steps, I am weak as a kitten and very short of breathe a little unsteady on my feet but I am doing it....
So, I wonder after making my commitment to get stronger, isn’t funny that a doctor should discourage me to the point where I felt like giving up...There always seems to be the negative right there around the corner waiting to pull you down, call it negative self-talk, Satan or whatever. Sometimes we have to say fuck it...I’m not listening to this shit any more, I am a strong person and God created me for good things, and I can do this whether it’s a short time or a long time. I am made of tough stuff and I’m not going to take this anymore.
So tonight is my party; and I am looking forward to it, to see many faces that have held me in prayer, brought casseroles, came a tided the house, or visits, and sent me cards and notes, and made me hats and mittens and sent flowers etc.....With myself it is your support that holds me up and drives me forward my wonderful team awesome how can I be weak, with all this strength behind me...This is a truth I want you to know, I can’t do this by myself I need you!
So i am having a drop in between 7-11 tonight at the house if you want to come for a glass of wine or champagne!
The theme of the party is FUCK CANCER!!!!
Love you all!

Good Morning Team awesome...
Happy Anniversary to me...
It is my one year anniversary this afternoon at 4:03 that I found out I had cancer, we didn't know the type or how sick I was but by 8 am the next morning I was in ICU in the Peterborough hospital with my wonderful doctor Hughes pulling every string and resource known to get me early diagnoses, despite the 1 ½ years Doctor Glenn Griffin fucked with my life in his poor misdiagnoses ( sorry still a little angry with him, I am a work in progress...lol))and get some treatment going...I had a surgeon come in on a Sunday night at 9 pm to remove my lymph node and by Tuesday we knew that is was rare form of lung cancer and by Thursday in Treatment. It’s funny in a way I can almost tell you moment by moment the events are still so fresh on my mind like they happened yesterday. Well needless to say it’s been quite the year for me and my family a topsy turvy ride I wouldn't wish on anyone. It’s been a year of loss, blessings, relationships restored, relationships lost, a huge amount of friends that have been restored to me and found and appreciated ( especially Sandy and Tracey my childhood friends and my Step sister Suzette), a year where love has been poured out to me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to explain, and the extreme confirmation of what a wonderful husband I have and how much he loves me. I have felt like I have grown much closer to 5 of my kids. There have been tears, anger, questions, and frustrations and yet Love and blessing around every corner.
This is day 109 on my recoup from this stupid radiation and I’m still not there. It’s been so frustrating and heart breaking that I just can’t seem to get it together as much as I want to. They keep saying time or that I should feel better but I don’t (maybe slightly) but not how I think I should, and maybe that’s the problem each treatment and course of drugs takes a little of me away never to be seen again, but I can’t believe that. Can I? Inside I’m here screaming to get out of this stupid body that I’m trapped in, my mind is filled with creative things I want to do... I live in a body that I hate and with a face I don’t even recognize or want to look at in the mirror. Oh Lord please restore me. I just want to feel a little better if I can’t have it all please give me a little. I feel like there is so much more for me to or and wangive back and do, I just can’t seem to do it right now with the energy and exhaustion levels I have. I want to walk without fear of falling or being in pain, I want to walk up 3 stairs without having to stop because I’m so short of breath, I want to look after myself is this too much to ask for?
I don’t know the answers to any of this, I try so hard to stay positive some days are just harder than others, you balance out the good and the bad tipping the scales differently each day, trying ot look at the brighter side of things, some days again easier than others.
I am alive and got to see another Birthday, Thanksgiving and looking forward to another Christmas, those are my blessings those are what I have to focus on the time I get to spend with my family and my friends to see another day, week, month and hopefully Lord willing another year or two.

Have a wonderful day and be thankful for your hours, minutes and seconds today and everyday....

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Hope Stone Good morning Team awesome and Happy Thanksgiving! I pray you all have a wonderful time with family and friends whether you celebrate today or tomorrow. If you don’t have anyone to share the holiday with then invite someone, there is probably some else alone and who would love an invite, sometime you have to put yourself out there to get back. It’s funny I have been lying in bed thinking of all the wonderful things I can be thankful for (especially this year) and the list is overwhelming... They say count your blessings (this is a song not a bible verse), well If I was to do that I’d be sitting here for a while... I’m not sure of your family traditions but every year before we eat we go around the table and voice at least one blessing for the year something we are thankful for. As I laid there thinking about the blessings in my life, I couldn't help but think of the trails and things I didn't want in my life the things we never say thank you for and why would we? Here is where I want to challenge you, offer you a different side or thought... There is a verse in the bible that is not as well-known as the count your blessing song...and I doubt ever celebrated, but this is it... Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds -James 1:2. Do we ever consider our trails as blessing we should be thankful for???As I lay there thinking about this new revelation I have stumbled on, my mind flew to so many different scenarios in my life. I was thinking about all the times there were trails and horrible things I had to go through or needed to deal with and then the thought... was it not through these dark times in my life that I grew and changed? I don’t know about you guys but for me when life is flowing along going good and everything’s coming up roses, who do we rely on? Our God, our family and friends? Or do we go it alone knowing that we are in control and need no one. That is usually me, don’t want to bother God he’s a busy guy, don’t need family or friends life is good. Now think about when something comes into your life that causes pain, sickness, loss, heart ache, the feeling of failure ...I thing you know what I’m saying...Is it not through these things that we find out who we are and what we are made of? Do we not rise to the challenge or maybe humble ourselves and grow? Do we reach out to others around us or allow them to reach out to us? Do we change? Do we learn compassion, empathy, love and acceptance either for someone else or for ourselves? Do we forgive ourselves or others? Do we look deep inside ourselves and take stock of whom we are and where we are going in life? When I look back in my life I see where the trials and pain helped me grow to the person I am today. At the time didn’t see it or want to go through it but, when I came out the other side and I could look clearly that there was a reason for everything. How else can we learn? I heard that there was an experiment (true or not I think it speaks to the point) where scientists took 20 fruit trees and put 10 in the sunlight 24/7 and 10 in sunshine for 12 hours and darkness for 12 hours. The first 10 trees stop producing fruit, leaves shriveled and the trees eventually died. Then the other fruit trees bloomed grew lots of fruit and where healthy productive trees, see it’s through the darkness in our life that makes us healthy and beautiful. This year has been a difficult one and I am not ready to say Thank you God for allowing me to have cancer but I can say thank you God for the blessings that have come out of this cancer. The love, the friends, the compassion, the empathy and the amount of people that have reached out to me and my family people I didn't even know before. There have been many blessings even that fact that I was struggling with high blood pressure before my cancer diagnoses. You know what I don’t have high blood pressure any more the week or so after me finding out my stress level was gone pressure normal sometimes better than normal...What could I do or worry about with the 3-4 weeks they gave me, things that I stressed over for years was gone and they still are. The other day I told you I went to a naturopath the first guy great and is helping me already the second guy told me that it was my fault that I had cancer because I had been a high stressor my whole life and that I yo-yo dieted, talk about a guy that needs to learn a little compassion and bed side manner. I’ll tell you what I thought in my mind to him... that’s right the big “F” you dude...Like I need this shit on me, it’s not my fault and even if it is what can I do about it now? Needless to say I did not book a return visit. So I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe this Thanksgiving we should be thinking of maybe something others wouldn’t consider a mention of thanks around the family table. That maybe some failure or bad event that has happened in our lives that we have learned from, Maybe it is this that you should be most thankful for because it has made you the wonderful, compassionate person you are. I love you all...I thank you for your trails that you have gone through it has made you truly wonderful, loving, compassionate people and I am thankful for all of you. May God Bless you richly this holiday weekend! P.S. If you want please share one of your dark times and how you improved because of it..

Hope Stone Good Morning Team Awesome And Happy Happy Birthday to me!!!! That may sound strange but I think for the first time in my Life I truly understand and accept Happy Birthday. I’m sure I’m not the only one but most of my life I felt like I was an accident not sure of why I was here and definitely not feeling very celebrated or wanted. I have felt unloved, unwanted, and unimportant for most of my 51 years. As this birthday started creeping up; I was just going to let it pass. Last year’s birthday sucked so badly as I was so sick and didn't know it even though my mom tried so hard to have a surprise party for me and make it special. I just laid in the jeep while the party was on wanting to be home in bed. Of course we all know that it was a week later we found out exactly how sick I was. My birthdays never turn out to be what I expect. My birthday hardly ever got celebrated on the day as; I am a turkey baby so it was always easier just to celebrate on thanksgiving when everyone is here. I cook for thirty people do the majority of the clean-up and usually no birthday cake as there is pie aplenty and I'm always extremely thankful for 12 Disk dvd set on sharks and shark attacks I received...lol It has always just been a day I just wanted to get through it, yet still deep down hoping someone would make it special for me. This year I considered just to let it pass quietly as this year really has sucked, but then I thought of all the years I have to celebrate this is one. I should be celebrating, because haven’t I been given the ultimate gift.....THE GIFT OF LIFE, despite all the odds I'm here, I'm alive and living the best I can, through hard and easy times, through the ups and downs., I can’t be an accident. I’m here and there must be a purpose. I guess this is another gift cancer has given me... the gift and the freedom to finally realize, I am a created being with a purpose, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I was not an accident. That God even knows the number of hairs on my head (although a lot less counting right now) but even in that every told me I would not grow hair back well guess what I have stubble. So this year I decided to give me my own party that way I can’t be disappointed and I make sure it doesn't just pass by unnoticed. I invite family and a few friends to have supper with me at the Golden Valley so I don’t even have to cook...lol I even ordered me a special birthday cake. I will celebrate the life I have and try to make the best of it for as long and God allows me to be here. To enjoy every day and every blessing I have. Which is all of you, you really are my blessings and you have showed me so much that I am loved cared about and have a purpose, you have taught me what it truly means to be loved and accepted for who I am that I am a good person and this cancer sucks and it isn't fair that I have it...but also I have great confidence that when my battle is ending I will look out and be surround by my team awesome one way or another. I can never thank you enough for the support you have given me and Brad. Your love, casseroles soup, visits, cards, flowers, and the continued pray etc., that you do for us has demonstrated what true love is. Thank you for my birthday gifts they are the best and will be with me long after the special day is over. If you are in the area tonight and want to stop in for a piece of cake around 730 please do so or if you If you want to join us for supper than I need to know asap for seating we will be there at 6. I have one birthday prayer, please ask God to please heal my face...not vanity but having medical problems with the swelling. Love you all and Happy Birthday to me....Remember you are loved and are celebrate this day also..... LikeLike ·  · Stop Notifications · Share · Edit · Just now

Good Morning Team awesome
This is actually me for a change...
It’s been weeks since I have written. It is hard for me to try and stay real and open and honest when there is nothing great to share. I hate being down and giving nothing good, so i struggle back and forth with myself; mind you the last few weeks I have not really been able to do this. My hands are so bad and shaky they just don’t work for me it well and it is very frustrating for me. When you know you should be able to type on a dam computer and you just can’t or it takes so long with all the mistakes it is just so frustrating.
Well so many people want to know the good bad and ugly so here it is. 
I’m still not where I should be and the doctors are stumped. So last week I made an appointment with my radiologist as he hasn’t seen me since the radiation. I went in and he said he had god news and bad news. The good news was that one paper I looked great my cancer was in good shape. The bad news was I looked terrible nothing like the me he knew, and he didn’t know why. 
He explained the last scans they did on me and my lungs look good and even the tumour has shrunk a very little bit but it’s going in the right direction, lymph’s look god and my next and face is free f cancer, they were worried that the swelling hasn’t come out of my face that maybe the cancer was blocking the way for my face to drain but that is not the case. My MRI showed that some tumours disappeared some shrank and some are the same. I was devastated as I had hope that after all this that they would be all gone but no such luck. He explained to me that 8-10 weeks after radiation is over it was done what ever happened to them happened. Then for the next 6 months my tumours will just stay as they are they are in a type of shock and won’t grow or shrink just sit there. It’s after the 6-8 months that we have to worry about. If they start growing...I don’t know radiation is off the table as i have had such a massive dose that I can’t have it again my brain won’t take it, saying that if there is 1-2 tumours growing they can go in and cherry pick them out with one treatment. So good news I should be around for at least 6-8 months more.....Yahhooooo
So back to why I’m physically sucking...don’t know, They are going to send me to an endocrinologist they think my glands and hormones are doing something funny to my body or maybe my cancer is producing a chemical my body doesn’t understand. This will take weeks to get into, so today I made myself an appointment with a naturopath and another natural doctor, maybe some acupuncture of something else will help. I don’t know but I believe in looking at all kinds of avenues that could help. So i will let you know how I make out today....
I have been down as this to me has not been living I feel like I have just been existing and this is no fun, this is not living at all. I will never do the radiation again, I was not living being curled up in a fetal position for10 weeks, being in bed for 22 hours a day. It took a huge tool on my mind and my emotions. Through the last 4 weeks I have learned that my step dad I having is hip replaced today, and I wish I could be a help to my mom as it will be a 6-8 recovery for him. Then on top f this my mom has been diagnosed with a tumour on her thymus gland (it is benign) but it must be removed. It is between her breast bone and heart so they are going to have to crack her chest opened like an open heart surgery to get it out. So Jerry should be better the last week of November and mom should have surgery the first week of December...And here I lay feeling useless. I need to be better for my mom. My gift is helping not laying around and this is putting even more pressure on me. I need to feel better and stronger but I don’t know what else I can do. I lay there and pray and ask God to show the purpose in this but I got nothing. More frustration and I feel guilty somehow, I know this isn’t my fault but I just feel guilty I don’t like being looked after but am thankful there are who willing do it. It’s just I’m the one that is supposed to be the giving and the help mate.
I need prayers and answers
Hope