Good Morning Team Awesome
Well it’s been a week full of doctor appointments, lab work and tears. I have seen both my radiologist and oncologist this past Monday. My radiologist doesn't know what’s going on with me and said there nothing I can do for you( swollen face, shakes, weakness, exhaustion and now the anaphylactic stuff again)I just don’t know why you are reacting this way. There is nothing I can do for you so I am referring you to the palliative care doctor. (That did not make me feel very good at all). I then seen my oncologist and he is wondering if my miracle drug is now failing so I go this Thursday for a CT scan and see him Friday for the results. In the meantime when I was still sitting in the hospital waiting to leave, the Palliative care doctor phoned and gave me an appointment for Wednesday this past week so we went back to Oshawa on Wednesday again. I was nervous a bit as to what he was going to do for me, I mean palliative is sort of the end of the road kind of thing and I’m not ready for that yet or so I think). So I went and met Dr. Ho, doctor a very nice younger doctor who spoke wonderful English. I talked about my symptoms and we came up with a little bit of a plan to see if we could get some stuff under control. Then all of a sudden he started saying “you know you’re going to die? That this cancer is going to kill you! These brain tumours will win, Your oncologist has a bunch of magic tricks up his sleeve but that it is only going to prolong your life, do you understand you will never be healed, or go back, you are terminal and it will only be a matter of time. Do you have your will ready, do you want to be resuscitated, do you want to die at home or hospital if you have a choice?” Both Brad and I just looked at him stunned both of us crying. Am I hearing this correctly? Is he really saying this to me? It was like he took the last bit of Hope from me, like I was lying on the floor and he kicked me hard. I know these are things I need to deal with and Brad and I have discussed a lot of it all ready but I’m not ready to die or give up...or should I be? Am I the one who is unrealistic in my thoughts?
When I left the hospital all I could do was cry, both Brad and I driving for an hour crying...It was like all my Hope was gone...why am I trying, why am I thinking that I could be healed, I’ve heard the stories of so many before be that have last 20 years, I want to be one of them. Brad and I wept most of the night also, I just kept breaking out without any control, and my heart was so broken...
This week was my 1 year anniversary for many things; I find out I had cancer, had surgery, then that it was a very rare type of cancer and my radiation started and the world as I knew it ended for me this week a year ago. I would never look at things the same way again. My new life as a “cancer patient, survivor and eventually victim” all stated this week a year ago, but also my new life with new eyes started, I don’t look at things the same way at all, my blood pressure lowered and I forgot how to stress...something I was a veteran at.
Thinking this week about this being my year anniversary for so much, I decided to throw myself a 1 year anniversary party. I need to celebrate, I'm here another year, which we didn't think was going to happen, I had a birthday and thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to Christmas.
Damn it I'm not going anywhere! I hate to say it but they made me put my stubborn face on FUCK you cancer and anyone else that tells me I’m dying soon...I am a strong woman and i have walk to hell and back many times in my life and I always turned around and put my determined face on. I will fight damn it I will fight with every source of breathe I can beg borrow or steal, I will not be put down so easily, boy they don’t know Hope Stone very well, and I am looking for my miracle why not one for me?
God does many things; I don’t believe he is through with me yet.
This past Sunday I made up my mind I wasn't going to be a cancer victim anymore and I made Brad take the TV out of our bedroom and put it back, that I would be getting up to the table for my meals and I was going to walk to the end of the driveway every day. I and wasn't going to lie in bed waiting to feel better I was going to take control and at least try to make me stronger. And I had enough I had been lying in bed for 110 days waiting to feel better, well it certainly was doing it too quickly. Now, I am sick and weak so it was legitimate for me to be in bed but enough was enough. I have been sitting up more, eating at the table, watching TV in the kitchen and walking as my as I can, not much but baby steps, I am weak as a kitten and very short of breathe a little unsteady on my feet but I am doing it....
So, I wonder after making my commitment to get stronger, isn’t funny that a doctor should discourage me to the point where I felt like giving up...There always seems to be the negative right there around the corner waiting to pull you down, call it negative self-talk, Satan or whatever. Sometimes we have to say fuck it...I’m not listening to this shit any more, I am a strong person and God created me for good things, and I can do this whether it’s a short time or a long time. I am made of tough stuff and I’m not going to take this anymore.
So tonight is my party; and I am looking forward to it, to see many faces that have held me in prayer, brought casseroles, came a tided the house, or visits, and sent me cards and notes, and made me hats and mittens and sent flowers etc.....With myself it is your support that holds me up and drives me forward my wonderful team awesome how can I be weak, with all this strength behind me...This is a truth I want you to know, I can’t do this by myself I need you!
So i am having a drop in between 7-11 tonight at the house if you want to come for a glass of wine or champagne!
The theme of the party is FUCK CANCER!!!!
Love you all!