Good Morning Team awesome...
Happy Anniversary to me...
It is my one year anniversary this afternoon at 4:03 that I found out I had cancer, we didn't know the type or how sick I was but by 8 am the next morning I was in ICU in the Peterborough hospital with my wonderful doctor Hughes pulling every string and resource known to get me early diagnoses, despite the 1 ½ years Doctor Glenn Griffin fucked with my life in his poor misdiagnoses ( sorry still a little angry with him, I am a work in progress...lol))and get some treatment going...I had a surgeon come in on a Sunday night at 9 pm to remove my lymph node and by Tuesday we knew that is was rare form of lung cancer and by Thursday in Treatment. It’s funny in a way I can almost tell you moment by moment the events are still so fresh on my mind like they happened yesterday. Well needless to say it’s been quite the year for me and my family a topsy turvy ride I wouldn't wish on anyone. It’s been a year of loss, blessings, relationships restored, relationships lost, a huge amount of friends that have been restored to me and found and appreciated ( especially Sandy and Tracey my childhood friends and my Step sister Suzette), a year where love has been poured out to me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to explain, and the extreme confirmation of what a wonderful husband I have and how much he loves me. I have felt like I have grown much closer to 5 of my kids. There have been tears, anger, questions, and frustrations and yet Love and blessing around every corner.
This is day 109 on my recoup from this stupid radiation and I’m still not there. It’s been so frustrating and heart breaking that I just can’t seem to get it together as much as I want to. They keep saying time or that I should feel better but I don’t (maybe slightly) but not how I think I should, and maybe that’s the problem each treatment and course of drugs takes a little of me away never to be seen again, but I can’t believe that. Can I? Inside I’m here screaming to get out of this stupid body that I’m trapped in, my mind is filled with creative things I want to do... I live in a body that I hate and with a face I don’t even recognize or want to look at in the mirror. Oh Lord please restore me. I just want to feel a little better if I can’t have it all please give me a little. I feel like there is so much more for me to or and wangive back and do, I just can’t seem to do it right now with the energy and exhaustion levels I have. I want to walk without fear of falling or being in pain, I want to walk up 3 stairs without having to stop because I’m so short of breath, I want to look after myself is this too much to ask for?
I don’t know the answers to any of this, I try so hard to stay positive some days are just harder than others, you balance out the good and the bad tipping the scales differently each day, trying ot look at the brighter side of things, some days again easier than others.
I am alive and got to see another Birthday, Thanksgiving and looking forward to another Christmas, those are my blessings those are what I have to focus on the time I get to spend with my family and my friends to see another day, week, month and hopefully Lord willing another year or two.
Happy Anniversary to me...
It is my one year anniversary this afternoon at 4:03 that I found out I had cancer, we didn't know the type or how sick I was but by 8 am the next morning I was in ICU in the Peterborough hospital with my wonderful doctor Hughes pulling every string and resource known to get me early diagnoses, despite the 1 ½ years Doctor Glenn Griffin fucked with my life in his poor misdiagnoses ( sorry still a little angry with him, I am a work in progress...lol))and get some treatment going...I had a surgeon come in on a Sunday night at 9 pm to remove my lymph node and by Tuesday we knew that is was rare form of lung cancer and by Thursday in Treatment. It’s funny in a way I can almost tell you moment by moment the events are still so fresh on my mind like they happened yesterday. Well needless to say it’s been quite the year for me and my family a topsy turvy ride I wouldn't wish on anyone. It’s been a year of loss, blessings, relationships restored, relationships lost, a huge amount of friends that have been restored to me and found and appreciated ( especially Sandy and Tracey my childhood friends and my Step sister Suzette), a year where love has been poured out to me in so many ways, I can’t even begin to explain, and the extreme confirmation of what a wonderful husband I have and how much he loves me. I have felt like I have grown much closer to 5 of my kids. There have been tears, anger, questions, and frustrations and yet Love and blessing around every corner.
This is day 109 on my recoup from this stupid radiation and I’m still not there. It’s been so frustrating and heart breaking that I just can’t seem to get it together as much as I want to. They keep saying time or that I should feel better but I don’t (maybe slightly) but not how I think I should, and maybe that’s the problem each treatment and course of drugs takes a little of me away never to be seen again, but I can’t believe that. Can I? Inside I’m here screaming to get out of this stupid body that I’m trapped in, my mind is filled with creative things I want to do... I live in a body that I hate and with a face I don’t even recognize or want to look at in the mirror. Oh Lord please restore me. I just want to feel a little better if I can’t have it all please give me a little. I feel like there is so much more for me to or and wangive back and do, I just can’t seem to do it right now with the energy and exhaustion levels I have. I want to walk without fear of falling or being in pain, I want to walk up 3 stairs without having to stop because I’m so short of breath, I want to look after myself is this too much to ask for?
I don’t know the answers to any of this, I try so hard to stay positive some days are just harder than others, you balance out the good and the bad tipping the scales differently each day, trying ot look at the brighter side of things, some days again easier than others.
I am alive and got to see another Birthday, Thanksgiving and looking forward to another Christmas, those are my blessings those are what I have to focus on the time I get to spend with my family and my friends to see another day, week, month and hopefully Lord willing another year or two.
Have a wonderful day and be thankful for your hours, minutes and seconds today and everyday....
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