Good Morning Team Awesome

Well went to the Cancer Doctor yesterday afternoon for the results of my CT Scan...
Good news and bad news....
First the good news...
My tumour has shrunk more it is a quarter of the size it was when they first found it and all my lymph nodes are back to there normal size....
The bad news...
You guys are stuck with me for a while longer....lol

When the Doctor told us yesterday that the miracle drug is working so well on me and that my tumour had shrunk more my poor husband broke into tears and sobbed, " thank God I was so afraid it was bad news", throughout the next two hours he kept grabbing me and crying and giving me a hug. It's like he has been holding his breathe for a long time and could finally breathe. Me on the other hand felt nothing, no joy no happiness just a fact that was told to me.... Why can't I feel the joy he does? What is wrong with me? I still feel like I am holding my breathe??? Am I afraid to feel the good news because I'm waiting for the bad news? I don't want to be robbed of the good news and feelings but my brain won't allow me to feel anything. Am I in a self preservation mode....I don't know. I just keep thinking what the heck am I going to do with myself... I know live... but what am I going to do practically. I'm still sick, I have a tumour I tire easily, my heart still has fluid around it but to look at me I look perfectly fine except for all the weight I have gained. I asked if the tumour would disappear and he said no. I don't need to see him for six weeks and I will have another CT Scan in 10 weeks. So I have another 10 weeks until more news... It's weird because I feel like I am waiting to be sick...because eventually I will. I think I believe in miracles maybe I just don't think I'm worthy of one???As I was walking to the jeep after my appointment wondering why I feel nothing and wondering what the heck I am going to do with my life, I thought it is easy to die but boy it is really hard to live. To die there is no choice you just do, but to live there are decisions, choices and consequences. I am trying so hard to live happy with this black cloud always at my back. It is hard to make choices with the "C" word always at the back of your mind. Do we do this or that, will I be here for that date will I be here in 6 months ? a year?.
Geez Brad bought me a beautiful winter coat for Christmas, it was fairly expensive in my mind ( but then again I a very frugal one might even say cheap) I made him take it back because at that time I was told I didn't have much time left and wouldn't be around next year to use it....He bought me some beautiful diamond earrings for our anniversary and I was angry with him because I felt like it was one more thing I would have to decide who would get them when I pass away...Am I just to practical or what? I don't know...are these feeling normal???
I know I will live and work through these feelings, I think this is why this "blog" is so important to me as all of you are. I need to voice my feelings to get them out of my head and clear my mind... So I live...the best that I can, with friends and family, making good memories. I have made a few dates on my calendar, I am a goal oriented person so I need something to work to... so I choose fun and making memories.. I am planning a few small trips a long weekend to New Orleans ( if anyone wants to come with us that would be great... seriously we are going to book in the next week or so , so let me know if you are interested), when this snow melts and spring really shows its face...lol My dear friend Benita from The Garden Networkplanted hundred of tulips in my front year for me to see in the spring ( give me a reason to stay around...till the spring...lol) so it has been suggested that I have a tea party when they come to bloom, and I though I like any reason for aparty so why the heck not, la trip out west to see a dear friend that I miss greatly, a visit to PEI to see my dad and family and one heck of a party on June 28th so mark it on the calendars...

I don't know why I am so numb and maybe never will sort it out so I wont let it rob me of today, all I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.. Today, I am feeling well and my health is relatively good, so I will make the best of it.. I want to add pages to my scrap book and look back on it when maybe I am mot able to doing so well and know that I lived the best I could, when I could, and I guess that's the best all of us can do.. I love you all and thanks for all the Prayers and good wishes ... Keep up the great work.....You guys are AWESOME!!!!! hence the name...lol

Good Morning Team Awesome.....

Well it is hard to believe but it is 5 months tonight that they said I would only have 3-4 weeks to live...Then 2 months well here I am...It has gone by so fast in one way but so slow in another. I still remember like it was 5 minutes ago. It was 9:10 and Doctor Hughes Came by the apartment and sat down in front of my and said , Hope its not good You have an inoperable lung cancer and it is terminal....My world spun and stopped, time stopped and all the things that were so important to me changed in a few words. Life changed..... I look back at these past 5 months and there has been so many emotions and feelings and changes...I feel in the most part that I have changed in a positive way... That most of the stress of the little things are gone and my out look has changed considerably. In some ways Im the same old same old .. and there are a few things that still stress the hell out of me.. I try so hard to let go and remind myself...I'm only a dot but I am a work in progress....I have been so blessed in so many ways....Reconciliation with broken relationships, the love and comfort of my friends and family. Last night I had 10 girl friends in and it was a wonderful fun night of munchies and some drinks. In these moments are when I feel so blessed, to have a group of wonderful woman sitting around my home, sharing laughter, pain, wisdom and themselves so openly. I am so blessed. Thank you all you gals, lets do it again...and again, so I can write at 6 months and a year this story over and over again...I believe its the love that has been shown to me which has helped to sustain my health, who the heck would want to leave this big world with amazing friends like this.. I just wish that so many of my friends that are far away could be here to share in the laughter and love...If all goes well Monday with my ct results and the doctor gives me more good news(fingers crossed), we are planning a big party here on June 28th and perhaps all those who are so far away can come and celebrate life with me and my family... Fireworks, BBQ, Music and lots of fun...Please mark it on your calendars....and make it a date...Life is short and has lots of unexpectant twists and turns. take the time to have some fun and share your love.....YOu all have a wonderful day and thank you again for all the love and support. When I get home MOnday Night after the Cancer clinic I will let you know how things are going....
God Bless

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• Julia Gosson, Shari Jarvis, Suzanne Carter Andrews and 16 others like this.
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  Rozanne Cadotte That's great news, Hope! Keep it up!

  March 22 at 5:31pm · Like
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  Diane Lyndon You are amazing Hope!

  March 22 at 11:53pm · Like
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  Norah Harrison Nelson Thank you Hope ! Praying for good news with you xo

  Yesterday at 7:42am · Like
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  Judy Muldoon you are always in my prayers and the power of positive thinking is the miracle cure

  14 hours ago · Like
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Good Morning Team Awesome

Just wanted to say thanks for all the comments and private messages sent regarding my last post. They helped me put things into perspective, I think really I just needed to vent more than anything... Sometimes when I vent I get stuff out of my head and out where I can see it and be done with it. It has helped me to move on. I was so stressed about coming coming home for a few reasons..
1 In Texas it was warm and sunny compared to here...lol
2 I could forget about cancer for a little while at least as much as I could...
3 and I could forget about my business and all that goes with it
so the reality of it all is...
1 Well here I am at home in snow snow snow,,,,,
2 I do have cancer, in fact today I see the radiologist, tomorrow I go for a CT scan and next week I see my Chemo Doctor. I will what my tumours are doing and if my miracle drug is still working
3 I have an offer on my business that I am dealing with( harder than I though emotionally)

So I came home and jumped into reality, exactly what I was afraid of doing but you know what? I jumped into reality and I am dealing with it one day at a time.. Damn reality it follows you where ever you go and I know even if I run away it will be there not to far behind me and it will eventually catch up.....So I will do the best I can....

I wanted to share something with you that will most likely make you laugh even if it is at my expense...but I learned to put some things into perspective....I learned that we are just dots......
While I was in Natchez we visited an old plantation, and on that grounds they had made the stables into a very nice restaurant, so we decided to go for lunch there. Just after lunch I stood up to go use the washroom as I started to walk across the restaurant to the washroom ( about 20 feet) my tights and underwear rolled down to just below my bum...( any ladies who have wore panty hose, spanx, or control top under ware knows when they start to roll there is nothing you can do, they have a mind of there own..lol) Well I got about 5 feet from the door to the bathroom when that strange thing happened, unsure of what to do in the middle of the restaurant I figured I'm wearing a long top that covers my butt so I will causally walk to the bathroom and pull them up with out no one being none the wiser....I though....Once I got into the bathroom I realized that my long tunic top was tucked in the back of my sweater so there was nothing covering my butt those last 5'.... I just mooned and entire restaurant...When I was brave enough to walk back to my table (head hung very low as to let no one recognize me....) When I reached the table I told Brad who of course laughed like crazy and my step mom and her hubby....I was mortified but my step mom just looked and me and said your just a dot, know one will remember you it s not important don't be embarASSed..(lol) so as I finished my meal and left the restaurant I kept saying to myself..I'm only a dot....I'm only a dot and it actually help to put it in perspective...Usually I would dwell on it for days if not weeks and lose sleep etc...so this time I'm just a dot I'm just a dot....Got in the truck and continued our outing.. this is when we went to the drive through liquor store and I got a mango margarita. We decided to go back to the RV park and drink our wonderful drinks and every time I felt embarrassed I would say I'm just a dot. Feeling very good about myself and even chuckling...I have this licked I said to my self. I'm only a dot...So we get into the Park and I am letting myself out. We are in a big diesel truck and I have to use the hand grip and the step to get out... so as I am feeling so wonderful about my new found dot status .. I am climbing down backwards and guess what ??? do not my tights and underwear decide to roll down again but this time to my knees and I am in mid stride of climbing down, hand on rail, one foot one step the other had carrying the drink we had just purchased....What could I do but continue my decent and pray there was no spectators..I'm only a dot...so my feet hit solid ground I turn quickly to see who I have mooned this time.. and to my surprise there was a kid about 10 or 11, a boy and as I turned he gave me a big smile and a wave......I'm only a dot ..... I'm only a dot......I'm only a dot that has freaking offended half of Natchez in a 1/2 hour time period, probably traumatized a poor kid but luckily I'm only a dot who is carrying a 16 oz margarita that was made very strongly....I drank that puppy so quick I had a brain freeze but at least I kept my pants up...for the moment..... That night those tights were thrown immediately into the trash.........So even though it wasn't on my bucket list I may now scratch off mooning a the Quaint town of Natchez, that survived the civil war but not my white Canadian butt....
I'm only a dot....

Good Morning Team Awesome...
I know it's been a while since I've officially written to you. I have had many messages from several of you asking how things are going and I've even been reprimanded for not keeping up with the writing daily or not doing updates. I apologize for not keeping in touch with you.
This has not been an easy road to travel in so many different ways... I know the last time I had written I had shared that my tumor had shrunk and that the doctor has extended my life expectancy for another 6-10 months which was wonderful news and I have so many of you to thank for your prayers support and words of encouragement..You would think with such wonderful news one would be flying high and living happiness to the fullest, but I wasn't and it was hard to write to you and share the feelings and emotions that I was going through. How could I be depressed or down with such wonderful news? How could I be so ungrateful with the miracles and the blessings I had been given? How could I ask more from you my loyal friends and loved ones? When I started writing and doing posts, it was to give information and to share what was happening with me and my health and so quickly it turned into something bigger than what I could ever image. Hundreds of people were reading my blog every day counting on me to deliver. Every time I went anywhere people I knew and even strangers were telling me that they were reading it and how inspiring and courageous and uplifting I was etc. WOW that was a lot of pressure!!! How could I be uplifting and courageous and be giving people hope and inspiration.. It was very confusing to me. I was just being me and I wasn't trying to be any of that. I was just sharing and being honest... I didn't want to let any of you down.. What if I fail at this? What if I don't inspire? What if people start thinking I'm being vain or thinking that I'm something that I'm not.
I was starting to stress and I didn't want to let anyone down. What if I'm not funny? or inspiring? or courageous? after such wonderful news how could I be so down and feel so alone? I think with how quickly I was diagnosed and then the treatments and then the short prognosis and then a reprieve and then making it to Christmas and wondering about the miracle drug then being approved and taking it and then finally finding out it was working was a very short time.. from October 22 to January 4th (10 weeks) it was a lot to process and I'm not sure if I really did, if I wasn't running on shock. How could I process everything they had told me? To find out first you have cancer, a type of cancer you can't even believe you have, then to be diagnosed terminal, and a very short time, and realizing how much my family doctor had failed me, to being given a another few weeks to live, to plan for your death with wills and funeral arrangements, to telling your children and parents that your dying, to reconciling relationships, to sorting out all your personal affairs, dealing with a business and then the miracle pill and a longer life expectancy...How can one person deal with all of that in 10 short weeks and as a mother trying to make everything ok for everyone else...It is hard to look after yourself when your use to looking after everyone else's needs first. I know all of you mothers know what I am talking about. There was so much pressure to make Christmas this great grand finale and I didn't feel well and to be truthful it wasn't that great. I slept a lot and just didn't have the energy to make it special for everyone...The drugs, the stress the weight gain, not being able to get my breath or walk up stairs, worrying about my kids and how will my husband get through this... laying in bed at night wondering how the end will come and will I be brave enough to face it gracefully...
I don't think I ever shared that my life insurance company paid me a portion of my policy because I was terminal. I received the check on Christmas eve...Money because I was dying....again very hard to process....
I think I have take these last 7-8 weeks to try and process all of it or as much as one person can...My hubby and I decided that if I was well enough and the doctor okay-ed it we would do some travelling and spend some time together and we have. We went to the Dominican and renewed our vows on the beach with friends and to get away. Then we decided to rent an RV and go to Texas for a month which is where I am now( the weather is a little nicer here...lol)...The one thing I have been trying to process is what is my purpose now??? What am I suppose to do with the next 6 months???Wait for my drug to fail?? wait for my health to deteriorate?? If you know me well you know I need a purpose a project something to keep me out of trouble but what????
Before I left for Texas I was asked by Heals for Hope ( a group that raises money for a different type of cancer every year.. I hope I have that right) if they could do and interview with me and video tape it as this year they were raising awareness for lung cancer. I was also asked by a friend if he could video tape me for a documentary he was working on, both of these I did. It was so very hard for me to do them as I said I have gained a lot of weight in a very short time and my self esteem and self confidence is very low, I look in the mirror I don't see me, I have even lost me in all of this. So what am I to do? how am I to inspire and give hope when I feel pretty hopeless right now. I thought by coming to Texas and getting away from everything that I would figure everything out but I didn't...We are coming home this week and I don't want to. I want to run away and not deal with any of this I want to pretend everything is ok.... but it's not...
so here I sit...
The one documentary that I was interviewed for was debuted this past Friday at doc fest in Belleville, it was very hard to watch. I have been given permission to share it with you and I will attach the link to it at the bottom of this...I know a few of you have seen it because I shared it on my vivacious page and Brad shared it. I didn't want to share it until I had written to all of you, I felt I owed you an explanation to my silence....By the length of this post I should have shared sooner...lol
If I have inspired you in the past then I will ask this favour of you...
Please inspire me!
Help me to get some sense of direction....
What am I to do but live.... I want to live well but what does that mean?

Vivacious Feb2014

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