Well went to the Cancer Doctor yesterday afternoon for the results of my CT Scan...
Good news and bad news....
First the good news...
My tumour has shrunk more it is a quarter of the size it was when they first found it and all my lymph nodes are back to there normal size....
The bad news...
You guys are stuck with me for a while longer....lol
When the Doctor told us yesterday that the miracle drug is working so well on me and that my tumour had shrunk more my poor husband broke into tears and sobbed, " thank God I was so afraid it was bad news", throughout the next two hours he kept grabbing me and crying and giving me a hug. It's like he has been holding his breathe for a long time and could finally breathe. Me on the other hand felt nothing, no joy no happiness just a fact that was told to me.... Why can't I feel the joy he does? What is wrong with me? I still feel like I am holding my breathe??? Am I afraid to feel the good news because I'm waiting for the bad news? I don't want to be robbed of the good news and feelings but my brain won't allow me to feel anything. Am I in a self preservation mode....I don't know. I just keep thinking what the heck am I going to do with myself... I know live... but what am I going to do practically. I'm still sick, I have a tumour I tire easily, my heart still has fluid around it but to look at me I look perfectly fine except for all the weight I have gained. I asked if the tumour would disappear and he said no. I don't need to see him for six weeks and I will have another CT Scan in 10 weeks. So I have another 10 weeks until more news... It's weird because I feel like I am waiting to be sick...because eventually I will. I think I believe in miracles maybe I just don't think I'm worthy of one???As I was walking to the jeep after my appointment wondering why I feel nothing and wondering what the heck I am going to do with my life, I thought it is easy to die but boy it is really hard to live. To die there is no choice you just do, but to live there are decisions, choices and consequences. I am trying so hard to live happy with this black cloud always at my back. It is hard to make choices with the "C" word always at the back of your mind. Do we do this or that, will I be here for that date will I be here in 6 months ? a year?.
Geez Brad bought me a beautiful winter coat for Christmas, it was fairly expensive in my mind ( but then again I a very frugal one might even say cheap) I made him take it back because at that time I was told I didn't have much time left and wouldn't be around next year to use it....He bought me some beautiful diamond earrings for our anniversary and I was angry with him because I felt like it was one more thing I would have to decide who would get them when I pass away...Am I just to practical or what? I don't know...are these feeling normal???
I know I will live and work through these feelings, I think this is why this "blog" is so important to me as all of you are. I need to voice my feelings to get them out of my head and clear my mind... So I live...the best that I can, with friends and family, making good memories. I have made a few dates on my calendar, I am a goal oriented person so I need something to work to... so I choose fun and making memories.. I am planning a few small trips a long weekend to New Orleans ( if anyone wants to come with us that would be great... seriously we are going to book in the next week or so , so let me know if you are interested), when this snow melts and spring really shows its face...lol My dear friend Benita from The Garden Networkplanted hundred of tulips in my front year for me to see in the spring ( give me a reason to stay around...till the spring...lol) so it has been suggested that I have a tea party when they come to bloom, and I though I like any reason for aparty so why the heck not, la trip out west to see a dear friend that I miss greatly, a visit to PEI to see my dad and family and one heck of a party on June 28th so mark it on the calendars...
I don't know why I am so numb and maybe never will sort it out so I wont let it rob me of today, all I can do is take one day at a time and one step at a time.. Today, I am feeling well and my health is relatively good, so I will make the best of it.. I want to add pages to my scrap book and look back on it when maybe I am mot able to doing so well and know that I lived the best I could, when I could, and I guess that's the best all of us can do.. I love you all and thanks for all the Prayers and good wishes ... Keep up the great work.....You guys are AWESOME!!!!! hence the name...lol
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