Good Morning Team awesome
This is actually me for a change...
It’s been weeks since I have written. It is hard for me to try and stay real and open and honest when there is nothing great to share. I hate being down and giving nothing good, so i struggle back and forth with myself; mind you the last few weeks I have not really been able to do this. My hands are so bad and shaky they just don’t work for me it well and it is very frustrating for me. When you know you should be able to type on a dam computer and you just can’t or it takes so long with all the mistakes it is just so frustrating.
Well so many people want to know the good bad and ugly so here it is. 
I’m still not where I should be and the doctors are stumped. So last week I made an appointment with my radiologist as he hasn’t seen me since the radiation. I went in and he said he had god news and bad news. The good news was that one paper I looked great my cancer was in good shape. The bad news was I looked terrible nothing like the me he knew, and he didn’t know why. 
He explained the last scans they did on me and my lungs look good and even the tumour has shrunk a very little bit but it’s going in the right direction, lymph’s look god and my next and face is free f cancer, they were worried that the swelling hasn’t come out of my face that maybe the cancer was blocking the way for my face to drain but that is not the case. My MRI showed that some tumours disappeared some shrank and some are the same. I was devastated as I had hope that after all this that they would be all gone but no such luck. He explained to me that 8-10 weeks after radiation is over it was done what ever happened to them happened. Then for the next 6 months my tumours will just stay as they are they are in a type of shock and won’t grow or shrink just sit there. It’s after the 6-8 months that we have to worry about. If they start growing...I don’t know radiation is off the table as i have had such a massive dose that I can’t have it again my brain won’t take it, saying that if there is 1-2 tumours growing they can go in and cherry pick them out with one treatment. So good news I should be around for at least 6-8 months more.....Yahhooooo
So back to why I’m physically sucking...don’t know, They are going to send me to an endocrinologist they think my glands and hormones are doing something funny to my body or maybe my cancer is producing a chemical my body doesn’t understand. This will take weeks to get into, so today I made myself an appointment with a naturopath and another natural doctor, maybe some acupuncture of something else will help. I don’t know but I believe in looking at all kinds of avenues that could help. So i will let you know how I make out today....
I have been down as this to me has not been living I feel like I have just been existing and this is no fun, this is not living at all. I will never do the radiation again, I was not living being curled up in a fetal position for10 weeks, being in bed for 22 hours a day. It took a huge tool on my mind and my emotions. Through the last 4 weeks I have learned that my step dad I having is hip replaced today, and I wish I could be a help to my mom as it will be a 6-8 recovery for him. Then on top f this my mom has been diagnosed with a tumour on her thymus gland (it is benign) but it must be removed. It is between her breast bone and heart so they are going to have to crack her chest opened like an open heart surgery to get it out. So Jerry should be better the last week of November and mom should have surgery the first week of December...And here I lay feeling useless. I need to be better for my mom. My gift is helping not laying around and this is putting even more pressure on me. I need to feel better and stronger but I don’t know what else I can do. I lay there and pray and ask God to show the purpose in this but I got nothing. More frustration and I feel guilty somehow, I know this isn’t my fault but I just feel guilty I don’t like being looked after but am thankful there are who willing do it. It’s just I’m the one that is supposed to be the giving and the help mate.
I need prayers and answers
Hope