Good Morning!!! I loved that so many people shimmy, shook, and did their moves like Jagger, I haven't heard of any accidents, I will take that all went well.....lol
So yesterday was day 4 treatment same treatment different day. Hope 4 - Cancer 0...
I did get to meet with my oncologist yesterday and that was an interesting meeting, a very young well mannered Jewish fellow, I was told he was the best and I believe it. He was very calm and thoughtful.. I was hmmm somewhat the same on the outside with a few tears running down but cheek, but scared shitless on the inside.. This wonderful looking calm man was going to tell me about my life and if I would have one or not and perhaps a time frame....I took my mom and my step mom with me, as I wanted to give my poor hubby a break,, So with all these strong woman here we go...first thing I did was remove my moms strangle hold on my neck and told her to relax..I calmly pulled out my Iphone and place the tape message machine on to make sure i didn't miss anything.. he looks and me and says what do you want to know....I was lost for words,,, I want to freaking know everything...... So he looked at my blank response and said are you a person who needs details or just wants the skinny.. I though hell I wanna know what you ate for breakfast and why is your skin so soft and smooth, I want everything.......So he asked me to explain what I thought I knew and most of it was correct.. I was told they were still looking for a secondary source of cancer but he believes there is none...good? not that it changes my prognoses..I did find out a little more about my rare tumour that is mutated....? Yes I have a mutated tumour not your regular old tumour but mutated go figure(Gordon Wilson another t-shirt Teenage mutant lung tumours.....) Anyway they are sending it away to another pathologist to see if they can find the mutated cells. if they can this can actually be a good think for me..then they can target my chemo as opposed to a broadband form..So they sent it away and if the first group doesn't figure out the mutated cells then they send it away I'm thinking out of the country the way he was talking and it could take a while to get the results...in that case we will start with the broadband and when we get answers then start the targeted chemo... so this is the unofficial plan as of yesterday at 4..He did mention that it is all through my blood quickly and causally not sure how i missed that one..or why i wasn't two feet down his throat but that's the next visit...
Continue on radiation for 6 more days.. (if my heart can handle it)
My heart is actually becoming the biggest issue here and if you pray that's what we need to focus on.. my heart. It is now starting to skip beats and add a few random ones into the mix..If my heart becomes to unstable then no more treatments... I really want a chance to fight this F**king disease I am not willing to be another statistic for their research. If my heart makes it through the next 8 days then I think ( loosely said) that I will start on 12 weeks of Chemo taking 1 week at a time....The doctor kept saying we can't wait for this or we don't have time for that, we need to expedited this process... this really scared me and sort of pissed me off. He can't tell me time lines yet until we know the mutation and I guess it really doesn't matter what time i have left. I have time, days, weeks or what ever its my time and i am going to enjoy it....He did talk about the side effects of chemo and I am sorry to say that my vanity is really coming into play here. I feel foolish and so vain but oh God please not my hair....How do I even pray that giving the life treating cure and the selfish vanity of a woman.. My hair for all of those who really know me is my crowning glory there's not much else to dazzle you with.. My hair is my safe haven and my dazzle. The first thing people compliment me on is my hair and I take great PRIDE in the fact I can usually make it look pretty dam good...It makes me feel like a woman and sexy and is a great way to hide the rest of me....Oh Lord forgive my vanity... help me work on the beauty inside, help me to leave my pride behind...
So mom and me and my step mom went and sat down a the Tim's for a drink and refresh and we all completely fell apart, sitting their crying having people bumping into that f**king wheel chair,, I hate it, my pride is being crushed under foot....Well with three strong woman all sitting around looking pale shocked and speechless ( go figure) My mom quietly through her tears said I cant drive you home I am so sorry I'm not strong enough.. It broke my heart to see her crumbling this way and feeling guilty for something see has never done before ( driven the 401) and with all the stress and pressure she wanted to do it for me... I said it's OK mom I can. My step mom again older and not well on the 401 as long as there is one lane and she doesn't have to turn her head to change land could drive for 20 minutes... I laughed and then I got pissed really pissed why am I here in the circumstance.. I got my game face on ( it was scary) and I roared like a freaking lion. I am not an invalid and I will not be treated like this I will drive my self until I can't . So, I got in that jeep and by God there had better not be anyone who pissed me off anymore cause I'd TWANDA their ass all the way to the wreaking yard....What the F**k have I got to lose....
I THINK THIS WAS A CRAZY BUT GOOD MOMENT FOR ME, I ACTUALLY FELT STRONGER. It was my eye of the tiger moment do do do.. oh not another song.....lol
So yesterday was day 4 treatment same treatment different day. Hope 4 - Cancer 0...
I did get to meet with my oncologist yesterday and that was an interesting meeting, a very young well mannered Jewish fellow, I was told he was the best and I believe it. He was very calm and thoughtful.. I was hmmm somewhat the same on the outside with a few tears running down but cheek, but scared shitless on the inside.. This wonderful looking calm man was going to tell me about my life and if I would have one or not and perhaps a time frame....I took my mom and my step mom with me, as I wanted to give my poor hubby a break,, So with all these strong woman here we go...first thing I did was remove my moms strangle hold on my neck and told her to relax..I calmly pulled out my Iphone and place the tape message machine on to make sure i didn't miss anything.. he looks and me and says what do you want to know....I was lost for words,,, I want to freaking know everything...... So he looked at my blank response and said are you a person who needs details or just wants the skinny.. I though hell I wanna know what you ate for breakfast and why is your skin so soft and smooth, I want everything.......So he asked me to explain what I thought I knew and most of it was correct.. I was told they were still looking for a secondary source of cancer but he believes there is none...good? not that it changes my prognoses..I did find out a little more about my rare tumour that is mutated....? Yes I have a mutated tumour not your regular old tumour but mutated go figure(Gordon Wilson another t-shirt Teenage mutant lung tumours.....) Anyway they are sending it away to another pathologist to see if they can find the mutated cells. if they can this can actually be a good think for me..then they can target my chemo as opposed to a broadband form..So they sent it away and if the first group doesn't figure out the mutated cells then they send it away I'm thinking out of the country the way he was talking and it could take a while to get the results...in that case we will start with the broadband and when we get answers then start the targeted chemo... so this is the unofficial plan as of yesterday at 4..He did mention that it is all through my blood quickly and causally not sure how i missed that one..or why i wasn't two feet down his throat but that's the next visit...
Continue on radiation for 6 more days.. (if my heart can handle it)
My heart is actually becoming the biggest issue here and if you pray that's what we need to focus on.. my heart. It is now starting to skip beats and add a few random ones into the mix..If my heart becomes to unstable then no more treatments... I really want a chance to fight this F**king disease I am not willing to be another statistic for their research. If my heart makes it through the next 8 days then I think ( loosely said) that I will start on 12 weeks of Chemo taking 1 week at a time....The doctor kept saying we can't wait for this or we don't have time for that, we need to expedited this process... this really scared me and sort of pissed me off. He can't tell me time lines yet until we know the mutation and I guess it really doesn't matter what time i have left. I have time, days, weeks or what ever its my time and i am going to enjoy it....He did talk about the side effects of chemo and I am sorry to say that my vanity is really coming into play here. I feel foolish and so vain but oh God please not my hair....How do I even pray that giving the life treating cure and the selfish vanity of a woman.. My hair for all of those who really know me is my crowning glory there's not much else to dazzle you with.. My hair is my safe haven and my dazzle. The first thing people compliment me on is my hair and I take great PRIDE in the fact I can usually make it look pretty dam good...It makes me feel like a woman and sexy and is a great way to hide the rest of me....Oh Lord forgive my vanity... help me work on the beauty inside, help me to leave my pride behind...
So mom and me and my step mom went and sat down a the Tim's for a drink and refresh and we all completely fell apart, sitting their crying having people bumping into that f**king wheel chair,, I hate it, my pride is being crushed under foot....Well with three strong woman all sitting around looking pale shocked and speechless ( go figure) My mom quietly through her tears said I cant drive you home I am so sorry I'm not strong enough.. It broke my heart to see her crumbling this way and feeling guilty for something see has never done before ( driven the 401) and with all the stress and pressure she wanted to do it for me... I said it's OK mom I can. My step mom again older and not well on the 401 as long as there is one lane and she doesn't have to turn her head to change land could drive for 20 minutes... I laughed and then I got pissed really pissed why am I here in the circumstance.. I got my game face on ( it was scary) and I roared like a freaking lion. I am not an invalid and I will not be treated like this I will drive my self until I can't . So, I got in that jeep and by God there had better not be anyone who pissed me off anymore cause I'd TWANDA their ass all the way to the wreaking yard....What the F**k have I got to lose....
I THINK THIS WAS A CRAZY BUT GOOD MOMENT FOR ME, I ACTUALLY FELT STRONGER. It was my eye of the tiger moment do do do.. oh not another song.....lol
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