Good Morning people

Its short and sweet this morning. 

Off to an early start for Oshawa 6:30 this morning with appointments till 1:30 this afternoon. It will be a long day. I know nothing that is going on!

I am not feeling well, I have more pain, I'm so tired and my spirits are so low. I try so hard to keep up, but I'm crying more and the tears and frustration come so easy. I think my mental state without sleep is betraying me... I think for the first time I really feel like I am sick and I am scared. All the travelling is very tiring for me also...I feel like I am still looking after everyone, trying to make sure that they are OK and I am starting to resent it... Yea, it's my own fault as I am the one that feels I have to make sure everyone else is OK. I don't know how to stop, I have always done this naturally I would say ( I am a mom think it comes with the job). I have very little patience right now. It seems like my sensory perception and ability to handle thing has be come very small, noises and commotion etc. is hard for me to take in. Yet I want my kids, and family around and with six kids, grand kids, spouses, moms, brothers etc. the noise and commotion goes up and I want to drink every happy giggle, laugh, squeal and I don't want to miss anything and yet I find myself wanting to be quiet and alone. How do I balance all of this? I'm struggling as I have no idea what to expect from this day and I hate having no control or info... This control thing is really becoming an issue for me.... I need something.. I find people are hiding things from me and that makes me mad. I know they are trying to protect me but I have a heart and I care and I want to know. I can pray for someone else. This isn't all about me.......This is about me going through something with the love and help of you wonderful people. But I need to give back I need to love and care and cry for others, that's the way I was created. So when you take that away from me you are taking a big piece of what God created me away from me and denying what I need . Please help keep me balanced. I know I'm telling you I'm tired and struggling but let me make the decision if I can handle it or not. If not I might have to say so, and let me.... so much for short and sweet this morning....
I will say my Zazzy cat is everything I needed she sleeps on me purrs for me, gets up in the night with me and keeps me company. Then goes back to bed with me. I think God created her just for me....Thank you God boy did I need her... I'm not so alone and she gives me great joy and I love this little ball of fluffy more than you could possible know. 

So, off I go into the unknown, I will find out if my cancer is growing faster than they expected. I will hopefully receive my miracle drug treatment today and no chemo I guess unless I have to have it... and hopefully will get my hope back.. I love you all so much please hold me in your hearts today ( and everyday but I really need you guys today)