Good Morning.......

Well sitting here at 2 in the morning hungry and making can you believe it Kraft dinner.. the good old standby for all children.. I use to live on the stuff after my dad left my mom... but recently I had a craving for it and thought what the hey.. Now for those of you who know me. I don't do anything simple or half assed.. Well not even making Kraft dinner is a simple thing.. I always am looking for a better way to do it, or make it or have it be seen... any ways so I make the kd the usual way then I add my homemade chilli sauce, if it is a supper some fried hamburger and then a big scoop of cheese whiz..( I know really healthy but oh my goodness i hadn't eaten carbs in years) my Bradley almost died and said how the heck do you do this...I look at him say I don't know it just happens...lol he say keep it coming baby.. My hubby like to eat....lol The problem is it is good but I am having a hard time eating anything...My lymph nodes are so swollen that I can hardly swallow, I'm throwing up quiet a bit now and constantly feel like I am choking, the breathing is not good right now so I take more steroids, sleep even less and pray that this week the swelling goes down...I will talk to my doctor today about this stuff so no worries...AND NO ...I cannot put it in a blender so don't offer that piece of advice....yuck...........so big pot of delicious gourmet Hope style Kraft dinner sitting here any 2 o'clock snackers out there. I could use the company...lol

I have an appointment with my Oncologist (will be interesting, I hope) the one that is working so hard to give me more time. (I think) I am meeting about the *wonder drug* ( wonder how the hell it can cost so much) and about a clinical drug study I was approved for and if my insurance Is going to help me, and what other interesting bits he might have for me...
I have been thinking about this meeting all evening and I think I want to talk to him first and tell him who I am and about my faith and my fighting spirit. I'm not sure why this has become so important to me to share with him but I feel like again almost a necessity. He is a Jewish, young man very soft spoken and wears a black Kippah (skull cap) and their is something in his face, his dark brown smooth skin, I think he looks like Jesus would have. I see peace when I look at him and I want to tell him that I believe God put us together for a reason. I believe that the God who did miracles 2000 years ago can choose to perform one through him and that I trust him and believe his skills and knowledge. After the last 18 months of medical bullshit and abuse I want him to know that I can trust him to do the right thing and make the right decisions for me, as long as he understands who I am. I need goals, plans, and a little bit of control of my life (Hey, no laughing down there in the front row, cut me little slack here...lol), but what I need is honesty and the truth from him. I want to ask him, just how sick am I.. ( Ya I know they already said terminal, but what does that mean really) Everyone keeps telling me of all their terminal friends who have cheated death for 20 years...That trip to the hospital the other day just made me realize I am sick and I don't feel good and I don't want to die...I want to know what to expect on this trip of mine medically and mentally. Is that wrong...

Please pray for my mom today she is going to drive me on the 401 to Oshawa and she feels very confident. I really want her to do it this time as she was so disappointed in herself the last time. Please no rain for 1 hour God...and I am not letting her come into the doctors office this time with me, i think that was too much for her. I will tape record everything and she can hear later. ( great app on the iPhone it actually looks like a real tape record with buttons and everything and the cassette spins, for those of you who remember what a cassette recorder is and looks like...) I use it every-time I talk with a doctor now, not because of trust because I can replay and make sure I understand completely what he is talking about, play it for brad, or mom or what ever..

So my sissy is gone and I miss her already but she will be back... so I am happy about that..my cousin from PEI was suppose to be here tonight. I phoned, booked her a ticket at 2 this afternoon, and she was suppose to be on the plane at 6 and be here at 830 but if you can believe it it was cancelled because of the fog..(stupid fog on a freaking island who da thought) so we are waiting for West Jet to tell us when they will fly out again cause they don't do it everyday. Bummer...but she is coming and I can't wait. We have great shenanigans planned for Tuesday, Thank you John Donna Margaret Duncan. It is on my bucket list and will be crossed off...BTW here is the first official draft people have been asking me about. It is really harder that you think. Again if you know me I don't require much. I'm not a money oriented person so I don't need bigger or better or more I'm pretty content with what I have. The great enjoyment I get out of life to to be able to give, and help, and love, that's what makes me happy. If I can make life better for one person by something I do there is no better feeling of accomplishment for me. I like to pay it forward and give a helping Hand UP not out...
Hopes Bucket List (DRAFT 1)
1. I want to live a long Happy Healthy Life.
(I’ve never seen it on a Bucket list so I wonder??? Why wouldn't you?)

2. Go do a Viking cruise through Europe. Its called the European Sojourn/ 23 days / 19 guided tours / 9 countries
I want to start in Paris (all the stuff you can do in 3 days in Paris) then take the high speed train to Amsterdam, then get on the boat and cruise for 23 days throughout Europe along the river ways. Then end up in Bucharest that I would love to do with my Mom & Jerry, My dad and Jan, Suzette and her son James, and my daughters and sons.

3. New Orleans (again, you can’t have to much New Orleans) Take note David....lol

• Have a beignet (or 2) at the outside jazz garden on Bourbon Street, while listening to some jazz on a sunny day.
• Go on a grave yard tour in New Orleans (it’s actually very very interesting the way they have to bury their dead remember they are below sea level.)
• Go to Frenchman street, where the real music is...
• Must do Bourbon street again just for the entertainment value. Been there did it I have the t-shirt (mine reads I was bourbon-ed face on shit street and trust me I was) 1 or maybe it was 2 drinks something like 191 rum….when in Rome!!!
• Jackson square at night to see all the wonderful street performers

4. I want to take my daughter to New York and try on wedding dresses at Kingfield’s because I want to in case I’m not here for the real thing. ( might even find one for me)

5. I want to renew my vows on the beach somewhere tropical and with family and friends

6. I want to go wedding dress shopping and buy a wedding dress for me. I never had one. It’s something that has always hurt my spirit and that needs to be fixed.

7. I want to go an outside carriage ride through Old Montreal, and have a nice meal at a beautiful restaurant and go to a nice jazz club, John and Donna Duncan, so he can show me all the sites…

8. I want to learn how to play blackjack and go to a casino and play, don’t have to win but I would like to play…confidently…

9. I would like to do something with all my grandchildren (have to work on that)

10. I want my Friend Joanne to come here and see me and my home and my family. I want to her see how my happily ever after turned out, after all the crappy stuff she seen me through and hug her and giggle like no one else can...No pressure Joanne but it’s now officially on my bucket list!!! Just saying……

11. I want to find a place somewhere absolutely beautiful, breath taking, awe inspiring place ( I was once on the mountain or hill top? what ever above Kamloops Lake in the morning watching the sunrise and the mist on the lake and it was that moment when you were truly touched by the beauty, and peace, and majesty of what God created) so I don't know where it is but I'll know when I find it. I want to stand there for moments and feel the peace flow through my body and feel the spirit of God on me..

12. I want to sing again confidently... so that is my top 12 today...

So you know you don't have to be dying to have a bucket list.. Is there something you need to write down, do you need to put the appointment book down and pick up your life and start living it today. Put one thing on a list that is achievable and do it this week or month, just do it ! ( sorry NIKE)

I'll let you know the poop when I get it from my doctor.... Pray that God continues to work the way he has been doing....
Go Team awesome ( t-shirts are on their way...trust me I will be handing them out to all who want one....)

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