Well up and running (I wish) for the treatment...Boy! do we take our bodies for granted...just wake up, hop out of bed, and go....if it was so simple..again... For me it is a slow wake up to see if I am breathing properly, am I wheezing, do I need to take my puffer first. Is the coughing session going to start now, sit up quickly so I can try to control myself as it starts, first a slow cough, then they start coming faster and more violent, almost to the point of standing over the toilet because they are so totally body jarring, holding my heart wondering if the next cough will make my heart fail? Feeling something being coughed up, please no blood please no blood....the coughing settles down to the place I can sit and then try to control the SOB ( shortness of breath) calm down breath in breath out....this is a scary routine...now to stand up and take a few steps...can you do it .. do you have the power and the air to go forward.. good here I go lets get to the pills...take a steroid that will help, do I need to take a morphine yet??? The doctors and nurses want me on them 24/7 but me in my own wisdom says no I can tough it out, and I will. if I take one its because I need one. I will not live in a drug induce world until that is an ugly necessity...(for those who don't know me I can be hmm what's the word I like to use... oh yes steadfast, while others prefer the lower base word stubborn)...back to the my treatment..
I go down the 23 stairs that we have to get into the apartment that we are staying in 23 steps...again another challenge although it is much easier going down, I haven't yet resorted to the pillow on the bum and a good push but that day may arrive very soon....wheeeeeee...so I make it outside 5 minutes later with my breathing not to bad. I step around the corner and oh the sun glorious sunshine hits me right in the face, the soft warm glow calls to me like a beacon and I draw my face closer...The glow hits my face and made me stop in my tracks adjust my face to the right angle and just breath in. I just stood there in the parking lot feeling the warmth & energy of the sun and all its glorious power on my face. I stood for what seemed like an hour and just absorbed the sweet peaceful feeling. I felt the wind blow so softly it was like a kiss from God caressing my cheek and hair.. I stood and lifted my arms to the heavens and I basked in it....Truly basked ( I wasn't sure if it I was doing it right but I basked in it). I started to cry because of the pure peace that I felt in that moment and I thought how much more peaceful and glorious when is the Son of God is shinning on my face....Again let me flip from acceptance to my fight stance. Allow me my moments to be real . I am still processing and working my way through this. The reality, the hope,the fight the truth and the loss.. Allow me this .Don't think oh here she goes just stand by me in my week moments say nothing and hold me, cry with me, laugh with me what ever, there are no words and sometimes the best things are when there are no words.. people want to reach out and say some flowery scripted line that 12 professional writers and editors wrote for some TV show, but it doesn`t work that way, often things said in haste can be hurtful or misunderstood...so just hold me, pray for me and continue to love me..
So again I digress..we go the treatment it is quiet quick and painless..go to the room expose my tattoos , lay me on the table and line everything up , then they all leave you in the room by your self and talk to you through a mic...I lay there preparing for the sound of the radiation. I feel calm but my breath comes so quickly... remember remember space invaders.... ping ping ddaoodddooo.. blast that shit away, visualize every blast breaking it up and see them floating way.. am i doing this right, can i do it,,, next thing were all done Hope see you tomorrow. I get 1 minute on the chest and 1 minute on the back most of the 10 - 15 minutes is them propositioning the body.. so 2 down looking forward to round 3...I am feeling very tired, when we got home last night i just went to bed at 730 and slept till?? can you guess it 3:00 pm.
On an interesting note, if you live in Trenton or around Trenton, you will most likely have noticed that there is a steady increase in people driving around in those little scooters or motorized wheel chairs...and usually the people look a little rough on the outside. I personally have been guilty of judging them, it seems like whole family's are riding them down the road, flags and beaver tails blowing in the wind, bright orange jacket and vests as they are driving with one hand on their Timmy's or cigarette like a bat out of hell...am I the only one who judges these people? I cry out to God and ask him to forgive me but boy it frustrates me... so The one thing I truly believe in is our God has a sense of humour, and guess what I had to use one yesterday....I hated it so badly but it was necessary, I was embarrassed, I not only felt insecure but was constantly stared at... I was being judged...and people were rude to me. I just stopped in the middle of the store and look around at the people ignoring me, staring at me and running into me and by dam they were not going to let me in front of them or allow me the opportunity to turn a corner. I wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs ( well at least with my one good lung) ``Why are you judging me, you don't know me... then I wanted to play the `C`card, you know the one I mean.... excuse me folks I`m dyeing could you be a little kinder here I don`have a lot of time...Just then my friend Janet Lammers, called on the phone and I was venting with her.. she said go for it play that card when you need to... I didn't but I got a look of determination as I tightened my grip on the throttle and furrowed my eye brows and screamed to my self ``TOWANDA``....(any fried green tomato fans out there) and went for it. I'm to polite and that is going to have to change. Something in my look was different cause I said dam the torpedoes full steam ahead and I did!!! No one got in my way again...
So moral of the story is......don`t judge a book in an safety vest with a beaver tail flying down the road by the way they look... One day you could be in their place...
Day 3 I'm ready...... I have my game face on totally....TOWANDA!!!
I go down the 23 stairs that we have to get into the apartment that we are staying in 23 steps...again another challenge although it is much easier going down, I haven't yet resorted to the pillow on the bum and a good push but that day may arrive very soon....wheeeeeee...so I make it outside 5 minutes later with my breathing not to bad. I step around the corner and oh the sun glorious sunshine hits me right in the face, the soft warm glow calls to me like a beacon and I draw my face closer...The glow hits my face and made me stop in my tracks adjust my face to the right angle and just breath in. I just stood there in the parking lot feeling the warmth & energy of the sun and all its glorious power on my face. I stood for what seemed like an hour and just absorbed the sweet peaceful feeling. I felt the wind blow so softly it was like a kiss from God caressing my cheek and hair.. I stood and lifted my arms to the heavens and I basked in it....Truly basked ( I wasn't sure if it I was doing it right but I basked in it). I started to cry because of the pure peace that I felt in that moment and I thought how much more peaceful and glorious when is the Son of God is shinning on my face....Again let me flip from acceptance to my fight stance. Allow me my moments to be real . I am still processing and working my way through this. The reality, the hope,the fight the truth and the loss.. Allow me this .Don't think oh here she goes just stand by me in my week moments say nothing and hold me, cry with me, laugh with me what ever, there are no words and sometimes the best things are when there are no words.. people want to reach out and say some flowery scripted line that 12 professional writers and editors wrote for some TV show, but it doesn`t work that way, often things said in haste can be hurtful or misunderstood...so just hold me, pray for me and continue to love me..
So again I digress..we go the treatment it is quiet quick and painless..go to the room expose my tattoos , lay me on the table and line everything up , then they all leave you in the room by your self and talk to you through a mic...I lay there preparing for the sound of the radiation. I feel calm but my breath comes so quickly... remember remember space invaders.... ping ping ddaoodddooo.. blast that shit away, visualize every blast breaking it up and see them floating way.. am i doing this right, can i do it,,, next thing were all done Hope see you tomorrow. I get 1 minute on the chest and 1 minute on the back most of the 10 - 15 minutes is them propositioning the body.. so 2 down looking forward to round 3...I am feeling very tired, when we got home last night i just went to bed at 730 and slept till?? can you guess it 3:00 pm.
On an interesting note, if you live in Trenton or around Trenton, you will most likely have noticed that there is a steady increase in people driving around in those little scooters or motorized wheel chairs...and usually the people look a little rough on the outside. I personally have been guilty of judging them, it seems like whole family's are riding them down the road, flags and beaver tails blowing in the wind, bright orange jacket and vests as they are driving with one hand on their Timmy's or cigarette like a bat out of hell...am I the only one who judges these people? I cry out to God and ask him to forgive me but boy it frustrates me... so The one thing I truly believe in is our God has a sense of humour, and guess what I had to use one yesterday....I hated it so badly but it was necessary, I was embarrassed, I not only felt insecure but was constantly stared at... I was being judged...and people were rude to me. I just stopped in the middle of the store and look around at the people ignoring me, staring at me and running into me and by dam they were not going to let me in front of them or allow me the opportunity to turn a corner. I wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs ( well at least with my one good lung) ``Why are you judging me, you don't know me... then I wanted to play the `C`card, you know the one I mean.... excuse me folks I`m dyeing could you be a little kinder here I don`have a lot of time...Just then my friend Janet Lammers, called on the phone and I was venting with her.. she said go for it play that card when you need to... I didn't but I got a look of determination as I tightened my grip on the throttle and furrowed my eye brows and screamed to my self ``TOWANDA``....(any fried green tomato fans out there) and went for it. I'm to polite and that is going to have to change. Something in my look was different cause I said dam the torpedoes full steam ahead and I did!!! No one got in my way again...
So moral of the story is......don`t judge a book in an safety vest with a beaver tail flying down the road by the way they look... One day you could be in their place...
Day 3 I'm ready...... I have my game face on totally....TOWANDA!!!
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