Good Morning My wonderful Friends..
I guess I owe apologies for some worry I might have caused. Thank you for all who sent little messages of concern...as t here was no post yesterday and people were concerned. ( if anything happens i would make sure Brad to post something to let you know)
Sunday night and yesterday was a very rough night & day for me.. I guess when I am silent maybe that is the code for pray....
Pray if Hope is quiet something is up....lol
Sunday night I was having a lot of trouble with oxygen levels, I have oxygen and and shortness of breath issues which I think I have been dealing with OK. Sunday night I was scared and I guess it again brought it home to me that I am sick.. I relented to wear the stupid oxygen mask and drag a 50 freaking hose around with me, ( with a new baby kitty just loving every movement) learning to adjust the levels to were I was feeling comfortable.. I was dragging and tripping over the stupid hose and each time getting grumpier and more scared. I don't want this I don't want any of this . This is not how I wasn't to go either gasping and fighting for my breath afraid my heart will stop. Afraid to be found alone.
All my hopes on a pill, not just me, but my moms and dads and kids and family and friends and and and.......Have I put all my trust in one little pill, but what it my heart stops before I get to have a chance with my miracle drug?
I was trying to clean my bedroom and organize papers all the things I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF because this pill with heal me...Well at 3 o'clock in the morning my cousin came in and stated what the hell are you doing so I cried and said I have to be organized. What if I don't make it who is going to know what to do with this stuff! She chewed a strip off me and I felt foolish but it was still important to me and Shari Jarvis sat up and helped . She said point and I will do. If you can't breath why are you running around.. Now my cousin is a sweet little thing that wouldn't say shit if it was in her mouth she might be just over the 5' mark and soft in voice but boy oh boy she chewed me a new one....I needed it and deserved it. I still cant ask for help very well.
Well by the time I needed to leave for my cardiologist appointment at 6:30 in the morning I was in a state. Not a pretty one.. My dear friend Janet Lammers, offered to drive me to Peterborough and she can attest to my state of mind or lack of one..She was great she prayed and I cried and vented and I think I needed that. Got to the Doctors where my dear hubbyBrad Woody Stone, met us. I was feeling so week I could hardly get my self in the wheel chair. I was pathetic. but again I have not sleep in weeks and I am feeling week. So we went in and they of course take me immediately.. The little tech ask me how I doing I said I'm dying and I don't feel good. Well I think I left her speechless. ( I was almost cruel) and I didn't care this isn't fair for me so why should everyone be shielded. ( forgive me) She did the echo and brought me out to the waiting room, where Janet was and I lost it. I was crying and hugging here and then they put me in a side room so I could have privacy . Why do I need privacy why can't people see I'm in pain and hurting and scared? I don't want privacy I want to scream at the tops of my lungs. Don't shove me away....
So, I went to see Dr Hughes, by he time I seen him my blood pressure was 220/100. Not good at all so I had let all my fears and anxiety run my emotions.
Had a good visit with him after I shed many tears..I asked a lot of honest questions about my heart and the state of it. So, My fluid levels are down again and my heart is beating stronger again. I asked will my heart last to get through this for the drug to work and he said YES.. Don't worry about your heart It is my hands and you will be OK. I asked will I have a strong heart after this fluid dissipates and will it go back to normal size and will I be able exercise again...He said yes. Your heart will be normal and healthy again... That was a huge relief to me....I think that made my stress levels go down, but I was so tired and week. Janet took Brad and I out for breakfast and we enjoyed it very much. We left to come home and my exhaustion really hit me. I curled up and fell asleep, what i thought was hours but only 45 minutes.. I got home and then crawled into be and sleep for 2 hours got up and ate. My mommy came and made me mashed potatoes and gravy so I could eat as the swelling is so bad again. Then at 8, I went to bed and slept till 2 got up for an hour went back to bed and woke up at 5 this morning so I think I am finally starting to sleep. It is one of the side effects of the pills. I wasn't looking forward to it but I think I need to sleep after weeks of no sleep. So my miracle pills, have some side effects that are normal for everyone, nausea, tummy upset, gastro stuff all sort of ugly stuff, and they prepared me with pills etc. but guess what .. NO nausea, No gasto upset, no sickness, I don't even have to take them with food there is nothing...so if I am drowsy I will take that one cause I need it right now....So I am so thankful that this is working out so well. I hope it is the omen of all good things for me and my life pills...
so on another note... another sad good bye. My wonderful cousin is leaving to go back to PEI...It has been wonderful for her to be here and I hope she will come back in January so we can spend more time together. She has been a real blessing to me, conquering her fear to drive me to the 401 and using cruise control....Thank you so much I know how hard that was for you.
she has become my butterfly...
There is a theme of butterfly's running through this adventure with me. I feel like I have been a Caterpillar creeping along in my life. My moms tattoo my sisters, tattoo and Shari's tattoos are all of butterfly's spreading their wings and going forth. I feel like that is me, I am coming out of my cocoon and growing into something through this trail. I want to share a quick story and maybe just maybe we will have a whole bunch of winter butterfly's this year....Spreading your wings and finding you new purpose....
Butterfly Story . . . our struggles make us stronger!
“A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!”
So my dear dear friends go fly and be and show your beautiful colours to the world!!!!!
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