November 7 2013


Well, I woke up to tings and bongs of great concern as My blog wasn't up and ready...lol I guess I will owe my readership a discount on their next subscription due to my tardiness in missing my deadline ( now there's a word dead line...lol)... I think some people were worried I didn't make it through the night but TADA... HERE I AM.. I SLEPT TILL 6... SMALL VICTORY... HAPPY DANCE......

I was actually wrestling in my sleep last night, I'm unsure of what to do and I need advice... My Doctor.. He is taking a lot of energy from me ( and he doesn't even know or maybe care) and I am losing sleep about him. What do I do? I am angry, I m frustrated and I need to tell him but, I am no good with confrontation or not good with speaking up for myself so what do I do? Write a letter, maybe if I get it out of me, it will get it out of my system and will help, but I don't think really that's effective, as you never know if he read it or not.. A visit to his office and a face to face is what I think but I am a chicken shit and would sit there and cry and let them re victimize me....Do I get a meeting with the psychologist, the one they made me see because of my "depression" and have her set something up? with her on my side even though he pays her paycheck? I need to be free of this, I don't want to have this wasting my energy and weighting on my spirit, but every-time, I think of my prognosis...I cry and I am mad, he has given me this death sentence and it's not fair I went to him for a year and a 1/2 because how I bad felt.
I think this all came up again yesterday as I got a private message from a woman I never met who lives in Barrie. She was writing through her tears as she was identifying with what I was going through as she was going through all the same things and was afraid.. I was able to give advice, I told to get mad really mad and make them listen to her... She messaged me back and did and now has an appointment for an MRI. I told her to stand up and use her anger as her voice, scream if she needed to and she did.....they apologized and she is being looked after. Again, being told she was overweight and when she cried gave her a script of antidepressants she said she would only take them if they did a blood test. Her blood was at 10 instead of 65 she needed a blood transfusion. Why can I stand up for others and not me???she is getting her MRI .

So what do I do. I think I want to see him face to face, I think I want him to see my face, see my pain and hear my voice but just because that's what I want, doesn't mean it will be heard any way. What do I want from this????I want to tell him I am dying and it's because of his lack of care, is it going to help me or not ????Is it going to make it worse for me.. or not... Please I want some peace here about this and I don't want to open a can of worms I'm not prepared to deal with. Then again...worse case scenario I go tell him, he doesn't respond well I strangle him with his tie and feel better, really who is going to charge a dying woman with the murder of a dumb ass man that gave her the death sentence. A man who took away her family, her business, her dreams, and her future????
Insert advice here please...

On a quick note I want to say that people are generally wonderful kind and are more than willing to help in any way they can...a little story to end in a smile... The other day when I had my terrific day with my mom and my step mom on our drive home..After we got back to the apartment I was tired and i just wanted some potatoes and gravy something warm and homey to eat. So we are staying on Charlotte st in Peterborough so from our window we could see a sign saying public house so I though it was a British pub and we would get something with gravy...My step mom went over and asked to see a menu, she was so disappointing when they said sorry we are a micro brewery and didn't serve food, my poor step mom started crying and telling about my situation and all she wanted was food with gravy for me. The owner of the brewery then gave her the name of a restaurant down the street and a brown paper bag with 4 free beer in it ....lol the thought and kindness touched me very much..a stranger giving what he could to make someone else feel good. Thank you to "The Publican House Brewery" for those beers were a little bit of a life saver that night and the kindness went far beyond....God Bless!

Day 9......Here we go!!!!!!! Is an easy day just radiation.....
This was from a friend and I appreciated it greatly..