Good Morning Team Awesome...

I am back to no sleep again. 28 hours no sleep...I am trying to figure out all this drug stuff and it is so hard. My body changes the rules everyday and it wears on me so much. Everyday my tumours are getting larger in my throat and neck and moving and shifting, so from day to day, I don't know if will be able to eat, or breathe or what ever...It even changes through out the day. Yesterday absolutely nothing going down but boost, mashed potatoes and baby food, then supper I ate some Chinese food for supper without a problem..I don't know from minute to minute if I am going to throw up or not, it just happens sometimes no warnings... It's then that I see I am sick. I hate it!!!

I try so hard to be positive but I hate it!!!!
I don't want to post doom and gloom, I want to post happy antics and silly stories and I want to giggle and be happy, but I guess I must balance the two the best I can. 
My sister and nephew left the other day and that left a huge hole in my heart and home. My cousin left and I sent my mom with her as a surprise to my Aunt Leta. It was my aunts 75th birthday yesterday, and me and my mom where going to surprise her before all this cancer stuff. I wanted to send my mom so she could have a bit of a break and be with her sister.

I phone and asked my hubby to come home for the night and he did. I just needed him to be here for a few hours with me. So after his long shift being Santa he got home at 11 at night and we just snuggles until three when i asked hmm to get up and make me some food, my schedule is so screwed up so i eat when I can and he did it with a happy heart, even if I could eat. It seems like since my hubby left everything in the house keeps breaking down which makes it hard on him again. He just wants to be here with me looking after me, he wants to quit the Santa thing but I really think he needs to stay there, only 3 weeks and a few days left...The vacuum, the dryer, the Christmas lights, the touch tap where are the batteries where is this key to the shed where is this where is that? It sis crazy how much Ii have be come dependent on all the little things, get the garbage out, the brakes don't seems to be right on the Jeep etc... anyway my poor hubby got the jeep in to the garage got my brakes fixed apparently there was a hole in my break line and I essentially have had no brakes for the last 2 trips to Oshawa and to Peterborough on Monday.. So I will say thank you God you kept us safe and sound, so maybe you wanna keep me around a little longer. The brake line was rusted with a large hole right through it...go figure...
It's been a little crazy here the last week which again was nice and distracting, I guess maybe that is part of the whole thing. The distraction is good, maybe I don't have to look at me if I can stay busy and crazy with everyone else...Which isn't good because I like to look after everybody. I put me to the back and fall into my roll so well. the care giver the cook, the one in control the one who looks after everybody... I have to stop but it is so hard to. I am trying to reach out and say my needs but boy it's hard. I am so lucky my wonderful son Jon Barneshas agreed to stay with me till Christmas when Brad Woody Stone, will finally be home Christmas eve. Its been so hard on mu hubby but again money life bills continue even though you don't want them to. All the travel the gas the parking 10.00 a day a run through Timmy's it just keeps adding up. The travel is so tiring it really drains on me..but what are the options? I have another appointment in Oshawa this morning to see my oncologist. Janet Lammers, my good friend will be driving me again. I will be seeing him to see if he thinks the miracle drug is working or not. Today I say no, but I will let him be the judge of that. I am having some side effects so something is working just maybe I need a few more. I'm not having any of the gastrointestinal stuff which is great, but my lips finger tips and toes are numb and then they are very hot like fire is coming out of them. My legs are full of the fluid a swelling which isn't good for my heart. Everything plays a part. One step forward two back.... two steps forward one back, and again and again......and again, forward backward forward backward, I wonder why I'm dizzy.....Oh Lord please make this medicine work in my body.. please give me some release from this choking and swelling in my throat and neck....
I had a nice visit yesterday with Paula Card and My old (young) Dr Vince Cheng. he was my doctor years ago and I miss him so much. They came to visit and I held on to him and I cried and it felt so good... just to know that someone cares and he would never have let this happen to me. I know it. it is such a nice feeling to trust your doctor and I haven't been able to do that in years.....Thank you to for coming and visiting, it meant a great deal to me... more than you will know...

So today I see Dr Rothenstien and see what he has to say about the miracle drug and whats whats... for today anyways.....