Good Evening My wonderful Team Awesome
This is from a friend that posted it to me privately but I want to share it and she gave me permission, she knows this journey well as she was the caregiver to her son who passed away from this dreaded disease....
Hey Hope I just wanted to let you know that although I do not ever comment on your posts you are always in my thoughts prayers and heart .. I guess I just needed you to know that. I have become very much a recluse since loosing Cal ... But I have been reading your posts regarding your hair and I wanted you to know that I think everyone's first response is to say "it's just hair" funny thing at one time I was probably one of those people. When Cal was told he would loose his hair like you from all the chemo and radiation he was devastated now here is a young guy who always had very short hair anyway, I remember the first day in hospital that he got up and his pillow was covered in his hair the nurse came in and said Cal if your going to shave your hair you have to do it now as if you wait your counts are going to become too low and we can't risk you nicking yourself ... He wanted my brother to do it and so he shaved his head .. Later that day he said to me ... Mom you know why I am so devastated about my hair .. It's not because it was long to begin with but it's because when I am allowed out of hospital no one really knows I have cancer .. Now with my bald head I feel like I have a big neon sign that says I'm sick I have cancer .... All of a sudden the bulb came on he had spent so much time making sure no one saw him as "sick" or the kid with cancer that now it was out there for everyone to know .. It's not that he wanted to hide from his disease he was just so insistent that he not be treated differently because of it ... So my friend I guess I just wanted you to know that I get it ... I get that it's not vanity it's just one more thing this fucking disease is taking from you .. Luckily this cancer has no clue who it's dealing with!! Stay as strong as you can and when your strength is depleted use the strength of your family and that amazing hubby of yours! You as a bald woman are going to be just as beautiful and vivacious as you have always been!!!!! I love you I applaud you and quite frankly continue to learn from you on a daily basis .... Just wanted you to know!! Xox
thanks you so much.. its the one thing I haven't said on the blog.. I guess losing my hair is a final realization that I am sick.. I've looked pretty good all things considered..People can't tell by looking at me that I'm sick but now it will be the first thing people will notice and then the look of sympathy or something else I don't want to name....I don't want to be sick and I don't want to look sick, this is now in my face and I guess it's one more realization. I am sick sicker than what I've admitted.
May I post you comment anonymously.. It really means a lot to me.. thank you for getting it and helping me to admit the real problem..my fear of being sick, my fear of everyday looking into the mirror and knowing that this disease is taking things away from me and showing it to the world....
Oh hope I am just flattered that you would want to share it and of course it doesn't matter weather it's anonymous or not .. I just felt Cal's words come to me the moment I read about your hair ... I so get it!!!
Thanks so much. It made me so sad ... If only people understood how much this disease robs from you something like hair that we all take for granted ... Gone ... Driving becomes impossible because of the constant vomiting ... Cal's only wish ... Was to be able to get in his car and just drive... Something I will never again take for granted!!
You continue to inspire those who are walking your path and those of us on the other side .. The care givers!! Thank you for that .. Thank you for allowing me to see some of the things that I am sure cal felt and kept to himself .. Thank you!! Like you said there is still so much to do ..
Thank you Theresa for letting me share this...
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