Good evening Team awesome….Finally……….
Well time for recap… Day # 9…….
RASPBERRY SOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When it takes me two days to write about how crappy it was you know it was bad. I think it is so great that so many of you know me so well... When I start getting little messages saying Hope I don’t want to bother you but your quietness is making me nervous are you ok? It makes my heart sing, knowing that I am on your mind and you make me feel love and the strength I need at that very moment. Thank you..
So day 9 was an interesting one on many levels….First of all I thought it was gong to be OK, day eight wasn't bad at all and seeing how it was the end of the round I thought we got this one baby no problem.. Its always interesting to me how when ever I think I got something on my own I always feel there is some sort of lesson I end up learning and really it's never one I like. I continually try in my own strength to do things. I have a real thing about weakness and me being that weak person, I don’t like it, I like to be in control and the master of my own destiny… ya right! Why can’t I get over this one...? I am no master, I am just a person chugging along trying to do the best I can in my own strength, I don’t like to need anyone, or be a burden or anything. I am the giver, I am the one to make you feel better, not the other way around…well sure that’s what I like to think, but again this ugly disease is teaching me that I need to allow my self to surrender and be looked after, not easy but some days becoming very clear.
So day 8 I wrote about my wonderful amazing husband and his gentle guiding spirit and love…Again a little Ironic here…I need to explain another little thing about my husband…He is one of the gentlest men who I know, he hears loving music in his head all day and I’m sure sees rainbows and puppies where ever he goes, he has the biggest kindness heart and would do anything for anybody.. I mean I freaking married Santa... No pressure there. And this wonderful man has been blessed with an inability to swear, and ability and level of disgust for it that amazes me on many levels... I mean I don’t swear often, but I can and when I do I revile in it I enjoy how sometimes that F word is just the right word no matter what. When I go off on a tirade my lovely mind manner husband usually looks at me and says… nice talk…somedays I look and feel bad, but other times the word F comes out again just one more time in defiance ... depending on the moment and my attitude…you know I cant help it…teehee.
So I am setting up the day…My husband and children all have a “FUCK CANCER “ t-shirt and with mixed emotions I watch them wear it, expressly my husband again as it's so out of character, but what else is there to say about this disease, its not polite, its not welcome, so Fuck cancer!
Well he has been wearing that shirt little to often this past week, in my mind and almost feeling like he was looking for a challenge or a little defiance from someone… anyone….
So driving to the hospital the other day I noticed as we got closer that I started not feeling well, my vision was blurry and I started seeing double... it was weird you think you know what that feels like but until you experience it you really don’t I mean I was seeing two exact things sitting above each other completely blur free it was weird and I was feeling a bit weak. When we got to the hospital my wonderful son Rutger had come to meet us. He took the week off work he just said he wanted to be near me and look after me for the week, so why not, I love him and love to spend anytime with him and the love and thoughtfulness was great for my heart and spirit. So getting there and recognizing I wasn't feeling well, I went to the nurse’s station to report how I was feeling. This is not an easy thing for me to do. I was so hurt by my former doctor that I am afraid to be a bother or somehow a hypochondriac as strange as that seems so for me to again to ask for help you know I don’t feel good and it is a real hit to my pride. I waited and they decided to do the treatment first. I went in and again the treatment is not bad they don’t hurt or are uncomfortable really its just after that 4 minutes of radiation I start to feel things. Well, this time when they helped me sit up I was very dizzy and felt nauseated right away which is unusual. I needed to wait for a minute to get my world right. When I got out of the room I was so weak I needed a wheel chair... (We all know how I feel about that one, CONTROL ISSUES) I was taken right to the nurses station where they preceded to tell me about tumour bleeds, seizures etc and that there just wasn't much to be done, which is OK I just need the info to deal with it. My wonderful son was pushing the wheel chair for me with great care and concern, its not often the kids see me weak and I think it scared him… Brad went to go get the jeep and Rutger got me outside in the wheel chair waiting for him. The cancer centre has a nice little pick up area with birds singing and quite peaceful, you sit and see so many people in various stages waiting for rides, loved ones etc…I was sitting very quietly a little bit of a tear rolling down my cheek in my weakness and sadness of the way I was feeling, how quickly I could feel so awful, what my poor poor body was going through to fight this and my poor battered spirit feeling the weakness like I hadn’t before….Well my husband pulled up and broke my thoughts. I just wanted to be in the vehicle with my mask on and blanket pulled up around me to rest for the 1 ½ ride home...Brad got out of the jeep and he went over to a bench that was to the left of me…Strange I thought, then proceed with a greatest case of the cancer tourette syndrome I have ever witnessed or participated in (as previously posted). Here is a young kid, teens, baggy pants, hat on sideways, tattoos, unkempt..Not judging painting a picture… standing beside an older woman who had many a mile on her, as she was wearing an oxygen mask and he was standing there smoking...My husband lost it….LIKE the CHAMP! He said, “what the f*&K are you doing this is a cancer center and you are smoking in a non smoking area what the f*&K are you thinking of?”….The young kid looked at Brad and said,” what’s it to ya!..” My world had many visions in my mind about how my mild manner husband would respond… none where good….I am usually a very quiet person when it comes to confrontation, but as I was sitting there in that F#@king wheel chair my poor brain wheeling from the radiation, I screamed out “ I’m dying of f*&king lung cancer and I've never smoked a day in my life”….I was so shocked it came out but it did and I didn't care if I was politically correct or not….Now at this point the young kid stopped and stared at me and there was a look on his face that I don’t even know if shocked would be the right word to use… He looked and me and said lady, I’m so sorry please I’m sorry…forgive me….I was OK with this i felt he heard me and that's all i needed at the moment, so I said thank you, thank you for hearing me….but somehow this whole scenario just seemed to put a red flag in my mild manner husbands face and he took the bait and ran with it, not jogged, but sprinted…a full head on challenge. Rutger was getting me into the jeep when Brad lost it…I was so afraid of what he was going to do and say…Well said he did….he proceed over there and with a colourful paint brush proceeded to use the f word in every grammatical way they word has ever been used and with some nice flow and verbiage I might add, he yelled at not just the young man but also the woman on how stupid she was and that she was on oxygen and he is standing 6 inches away form the machine and how she should blow him and on and on and on.. I was like Rutger please get him out of here I was waiting for hospital security and police and air traffic control to sweep down... Brad just couldn't stop….I was in the jeep praying for some ending and all I could hear was the young man saying how sorry he was as he ran off the hospital grounds…
Well Brad finally gets in the jeep and I look at him not really sure what to say at the point…,Rutger being very quiet and again never have ever even dreaming of witnessing Brad is such a state. There was silence as I stared at Brad and then he looked at me with a bit of a grin and said… I feel better... put the jeep in drive and left….That was it…he felt better...Ok so who am I to judge….I think the week got to him and he needed that stress release of cancer tourette syndrome it can be very therapeutic…as I have witnessed.
So my husband gets me home, and in the house as I am week, gets me in bed, I curl up in the fetal position on my right side mask on, zazzy quickly coming to place himself on me and I lay there still, no words, motionless and so thankful for my bed..I was in quite a bit of pain and I didn't even have the energy to move my arms, my poor sweet husband ever checking on me and every two hours placing that green morphine pill on my lips and putting a bendy straw there with soft words …"have a sip love"… every two hours he repeated it, I didn't move, raise an arm, turn I just compiled…"open your mouth and swallow this yogurt, eat something hon" is there anything you need can I get you anything?"…and then a caress on my brow…"just sleep, just sleep"…every 2 hours for the last 24 hours. My wonderful soft spoken husband was back and better…How could he not snap, why shouldn't he snap, he loves me and he feels so helpless and I know in a second if he could he would take this Fucking disease from me…His love is so complete and giving and I am so thankful that he got his release of stress and who knows might have even changed the life and the attitude of a young man, my beautiful sweet sweet husband whom I love….
Well time for recap… Day # 9…….
RASPBERRY SOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When it takes me two days to write about how crappy it was you know it was bad. I think it is so great that so many of you know me so well... When I start getting little messages saying Hope I don’t want to bother you but your quietness is making me nervous are you ok? It makes my heart sing, knowing that I am on your mind and you make me feel love and the strength I need at that very moment. Thank you..
So day 9 was an interesting one on many levels….First of all I thought it was gong to be OK, day eight wasn't bad at all and seeing how it was the end of the round I thought we got this one baby no problem.. Its always interesting to me how when ever I think I got something on my own I always feel there is some sort of lesson I end up learning and really it's never one I like. I continually try in my own strength to do things. I have a real thing about weakness and me being that weak person, I don’t like it, I like to be in control and the master of my own destiny… ya right! Why can’t I get over this one...? I am no master, I am just a person chugging along trying to do the best I can in my own strength, I don’t like to need anyone, or be a burden or anything. I am the giver, I am the one to make you feel better, not the other way around…well sure that’s what I like to think, but again this ugly disease is teaching me that I need to allow my self to surrender and be looked after, not easy but some days becoming very clear.
So day 8 I wrote about my wonderful amazing husband and his gentle guiding spirit and love…Again a little Ironic here…I need to explain another little thing about my husband…He is one of the gentlest men who I know, he hears loving music in his head all day and I’m sure sees rainbows and puppies where ever he goes, he has the biggest kindness heart and would do anything for anybody.. I mean I freaking married Santa... No pressure there. And this wonderful man has been blessed with an inability to swear, and ability and level of disgust for it that amazes me on many levels... I mean I don’t swear often, but I can and when I do I revile in it I enjoy how sometimes that F word is just the right word no matter what. When I go off on a tirade my lovely mind manner husband usually looks at me and says… nice talk…somedays I look and feel bad, but other times the word F comes out again just one more time in defiance ... depending on the moment and my attitude…you know I cant help it…teehee.
So I am setting up the day…My husband and children all have a “FUCK CANCER “ t-shirt and with mixed emotions I watch them wear it, expressly my husband again as it's so out of character, but what else is there to say about this disease, its not polite, its not welcome, so Fuck cancer!
Well he has been wearing that shirt little to often this past week, in my mind and almost feeling like he was looking for a challenge or a little defiance from someone… anyone….
So driving to the hospital the other day I noticed as we got closer that I started not feeling well, my vision was blurry and I started seeing double... it was weird you think you know what that feels like but until you experience it you really don’t I mean I was seeing two exact things sitting above each other completely blur free it was weird and I was feeling a bit weak. When we got to the hospital my wonderful son Rutger had come to meet us. He took the week off work he just said he wanted to be near me and look after me for the week, so why not, I love him and love to spend anytime with him and the love and thoughtfulness was great for my heart and spirit. So getting there and recognizing I wasn't feeling well, I went to the nurse’s station to report how I was feeling. This is not an easy thing for me to do. I was so hurt by my former doctor that I am afraid to be a bother or somehow a hypochondriac as strange as that seems so for me to again to ask for help you know I don’t feel good and it is a real hit to my pride. I waited and they decided to do the treatment first. I went in and again the treatment is not bad they don’t hurt or are uncomfortable really its just after that 4 minutes of radiation I start to feel things. Well, this time when they helped me sit up I was very dizzy and felt nauseated right away which is unusual. I needed to wait for a minute to get my world right. When I got out of the room I was so weak I needed a wheel chair... (We all know how I feel about that one, CONTROL ISSUES) I was taken right to the nurses station where they preceded to tell me about tumour bleeds, seizures etc and that there just wasn't much to be done, which is OK I just need the info to deal with it. My wonderful son was pushing the wheel chair for me with great care and concern, its not often the kids see me weak and I think it scared him… Brad went to go get the jeep and Rutger got me outside in the wheel chair waiting for him. The cancer centre has a nice little pick up area with birds singing and quite peaceful, you sit and see so many people in various stages waiting for rides, loved ones etc…I was sitting very quietly a little bit of a tear rolling down my cheek in my weakness and sadness of the way I was feeling, how quickly I could feel so awful, what my poor poor body was going through to fight this and my poor battered spirit feeling the weakness like I hadn’t before….Well my husband pulled up and broke my thoughts. I just wanted to be in the vehicle with my mask on and blanket pulled up around me to rest for the 1 ½ ride home...Brad got out of the jeep and he went over to a bench that was to the left of me…Strange I thought, then proceed with a greatest case of the cancer tourette syndrome I have ever witnessed or participated in (as previously posted). Here is a young kid, teens, baggy pants, hat on sideways, tattoos, unkempt..Not judging painting a picture… standing beside an older woman who had many a mile on her, as she was wearing an oxygen mask and he was standing there smoking...My husband lost it….LIKE the CHAMP! He said, “what the f*&K are you doing this is a cancer center and you are smoking in a non smoking area what the f*&K are you thinking of?”….The young kid looked at Brad and said,” what’s it to ya!..” My world had many visions in my mind about how my mild manner husband would respond… none where good….I am usually a very quiet person when it comes to confrontation, but as I was sitting there in that F#@king wheel chair my poor brain wheeling from the radiation, I screamed out “ I’m dying of f*&king lung cancer and I've never smoked a day in my life”….I was so shocked it came out but it did and I didn't care if I was politically correct or not….Now at this point the young kid stopped and stared at me and there was a look on his face that I don’t even know if shocked would be the right word to use… He looked and me and said lady, I’m so sorry please I’m sorry…forgive me….I was OK with this i felt he heard me and that's all i needed at the moment, so I said thank you, thank you for hearing me….but somehow this whole scenario just seemed to put a red flag in my mild manner husbands face and he took the bait and ran with it, not jogged, but sprinted…a full head on challenge. Rutger was getting me into the jeep when Brad lost it…I was so afraid of what he was going to do and say…Well said he did….he proceed over there and with a colourful paint brush proceeded to use the f word in every grammatical way they word has ever been used and with some nice flow and verbiage I might add, he yelled at not just the young man but also the woman on how stupid she was and that she was on oxygen and he is standing 6 inches away form the machine and how she should blow him and on and on and on.. I was like Rutger please get him out of here I was waiting for hospital security and police and air traffic control to sweep down... Brad just couldn't stop….I was in the jeep praying for some ending and all I could hear was the young man saying how sorry he was as he ran off the hospital grounds…
Well Brad finally gets in the jeep and I look at him not really sure what to say at the point…,Rutger being very quiet and again never have ever even dreaming of witnessing Brad is such a state. There was silence as I stared at Brad and then he looked at me with a bit of a grin and said… I feel better... put the jeep in drive and left….That was it…he felt better...Ok so who am I to judge….I think the week got to him and he needed that stress release of cancer tourette syndrome it can be very therapeutic…as I have witnessed.
So my husband gets me home, and in the house as I am week, gets me in bed, I curl up in the fetal position on my right side mask on, zazzy quickly coming to place himself on me and I lay there still, no words, motionless and so thankful for my bed..I was in quite a bit of pain and I didn't even have the energy to move my arms, my poor sweet husband ever checking on me and every two hours placing that green morphine pill on my lips and putting a bendy straw there with soft words …"have a sip love"… every two hours he repeated it, I didn't move, raise an arm, turn I just compiled…"open your mouth and swallow this yogurt, eat something hon" is there anything you need can I get you anything?"…and then a caress on my brow…"just sleep, just sleep"…every 2 hours for the last 24 hours. My wonderful soft spoken husband was back and better…How could he not snap, why shouldn't he snap, he loves me and he feels so helpless and I know in a second if he could he would take this Fucking disease from me…His love is so complete and giving and I am so thankful that he got his release of stress and who knows might have even changed the life and the attitude of a young man, my beautiful sweet sweet husband whom I love….
Today day 10 final treatment.. I think I'll be quiet until I experience it...it will be easier to write about later....lol
Hi Hope,
ReplyDeleteSorry you are having a hard time with side effects. I have been thinking about you everyday and praying for you.
Hope to see you and Brad again at treatment sometime.
Cheers, Lisa