Good Morning Team awesome ( tissue alert)
Day 3 recoup...
I have been sitting here for an hour, not knowing what to say but having my heart overflowing with raw raw emotions. One thing I constantly get as a comment from you friends of mine is that you appreciate my open honesty in my sharing what is going on so now i beg indulgence for this please let me feel my feelings do not deny them do not give false flattery be truthful, be open and be honest I beg for truth.
This has been a very hard week, as you know the loss of my hair was life changing, robbing and a another part of loss I need to deal with, grieve over and move beyond. but how? In my usual good fashion I try to make the best of it and share with friends and family and have the support I think I needed to go past this...I am so blessed with those of you who came and was here and supported me, you were also hopeful and trying to be happy and inventive with the scarves and wigs etc and I let you play...For you...For your grief and your loss and you trying so so very hard to be there for me. You that were here knew so much how devastating this was for me and in a way for you. My friends that were here that night, Would never ever shave their heads for me and trust me I so so very much respected that more than all the ones who did shave theirs heads. Please don't get me wrong my family and their sacrifice was so total amazing and supportive. This is just two sides to the same coin. the love and support can not be taken away in either persons decision.. If I was the person who had the opportunity to shave my head for a friend, I couldn't do it. I know, I just couldn't do it, am I shallow, vain, have airs, Yup Yup and yup... guilty on all charges and thats ok... I am allowed to be real and me... I had a friend stop by yesterday for a talk and visit and she said to oh Hope you didn't look good in those pictures at all...You know I was I was so thankful for her comment I really needed to hear it, because that how I felt.. I felt like a clown playing dress up and with everyone being so good and hopeful and happy and inventive an being there for me it was amazing but lets call it like I sees it....I had hair stubble for less than 12 hours.. My short quarter inch locks that were made purple for fun, lasted hours...The hair was just falling out in clumps, small little hairs everywhere I walked following me little confetti floating from the ceiling, but not the kind to celebrate. I then made the decision to go get shaved bald and be done with it, so I bravely made the call went with my mom and my grand daughter and went bald...At this point I thought no prob ... but I still cried my eyes out...This is it this is the end....I need to tell you all again, this hair will not come back....please hear me I keep getting when it comes back this and when it comes back then... PLEASE HEAR ME NO HAIR EVER AGAIN!!!
When I got home mom and Lova left and this was my time to reflect in the mirror, what I was seeing back and it wasn't me. It was some hideous form of a previous me, I just stood there and I lost it, big time lost it... I screamed at the mirror, I screamed at the top of my lungs for minutes and minutes no words just pure raw pain and disgust that I was so hideous looking, oh my beautiful beautiful long thick curly masses gone all gone and never to be sen again, oh the pain and the anger and the fear of what I am now... Hideous as monster in my eyes, my face so bloated with these dam drugs, I know it will go away but I am not an attractive bald woman by no means...I hurt myself so badly screaming I went on all fours in my bedroom and just screamed. I started yelling at God asking what the hell else he needed from me why why the Fuck are you doing this to me, how much more do I need to pay , sacrifice, give, hurt, be brave, be inspirational.. what and why the FUCK are you doing this to me.......Just minutes before this break down, I just got info that my computer died, hard drive everything with no recovery, the last 4 years of my life my pictures my blog my everything and that was the breaking point. I screamed at God again and Im like really really you have to take my fucking computer now also , really everything take everything leave me with nothing you bastard....Now before you all start running and hiding for the lightning bolts as in my life as in my faith I am real.. god knows me better that I know my self he knows my feelings before I speak them so I can call him names and you know what mY God is big enough to handle it, so no guilt no fear of retaliation from my loving Father in Heaven, he weeps for me, and as i was on the floor I know he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my bald head and said I know your pain, Im sorry.... , he doesn't want me to go through this, this is a sin filled world never created to be so devastating to us his children, he wanted only love fellowship and good things for us. Its the world and Satan and sin that has fucked that up and our freewill not God.. If you believe in God that you have to believe in the other side to and he just want destruct pain and confusion,, he's doing a great job BTW...Sorry I digress..
So after my major snap, I call a friend text a friend and they allow me to cry my heart out and it was good. I needed it. so then after pouring the shit out. I get my rebels' face on yet again.. I sit a the kitchen table pull out a fat joint and I smoked that baby with absolutely no abandon or any kind of medical use... I poured myself a large glass of wine popped a morphine and said Fuck you body how about I hurt you today...and I did and it felt good!!!
so I am better now, still tears, still pain and Im still hideous but this to shall pass...Im ok and I will be ok, just needed that Fuck it moment and I did her good!
so my wonderful friends, we leave today for my island paradise my haven and my recouping peaceful place my son Rutger has asked to come and look after me and we are going to have a great time,this is going to be healing for me , for Brad as he gets to do his passion and i am going to live in the moment, me and MY Rutger are going to shake up that Island, so stay tune for HOPE's Recovery Shenanigans...There will be pictures and posts and You will see me living with this disease, not dying....So FUCK YOU CANCER...
RASPBERRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
PS there will be a Wonderful hair ode coming soon.. I will honour my locks in video and song...Stay tuned, The roller coaster ride has begun again.....
Day 3 recoup...
I have been sitting here for an hour, not knowing what to say but having my heart overflowing with raw raw emotions. One thing I constantly get as a comment from you friends of mine is that you appreciate my open honesty in my sharing what is going on so now i beg indulgence for this please let me feel my feelings do not deny them do not give false flattery be truthful, be open and be honest I beg for truth.
This has been a very hard week, as you know the loss of my hair was life changing, robbing and a another part of loss I need to deal with, grieve over and move beyond. but how? In my usual good fashion I try to make the best of it and share with friends and family and have the support I think I needed to go past this...I am so blessed with those of you who came and was here and supported me, you were also hopeful and trying to be happy and inventive with the scarves and wigs etc and I let you play...For you...For your grief and your loss and you trying so so very hard to be there for me. You that were here knew so much how devastating this was for me and in a way for you. My friends that were here that night, Would never ever shave their heads for me and trust me I so so very much respected that more than all the ones who did shave theirs heads. Please don't get me wrong my family and their sacrifice was so total amazing and supportive. This is just two sides to the same coin. the love and support can not be taken away in either persons decision.. If I was the person who had the opportunity to shave my head for a friend, I couldn't do it. I know, I just couldn't do it, am I shallow, vain, have airs, Yup Yup and yup... guilty on all charges and thats ok... I am allowed to be real and me... I had a friend stop by yesterday for a talk and visit and she said to oh Hope you didn't look good in those pictures at all...You know I was I was so thankful for her comment I really needed to hear it, because that how I felt.. I felt like a clown playing dress up and with everyone being so good and hopeful and happy and inventive an being there for me it was amazing but lets call it like I sees it....I had hair stubble for less than 12 hours.. My short quarter inch locks that were made purple for fun, lasted hours...The hair was just falling out in clumps, small little hairs everywhere I walked following me little confetti floating from the ceiling, but not the kind to celebrate. I then made the decision to go get shaved bald and be done with it, so I bravely made the call went with my mom and my grand daughter and went bald...At this point I thought no prob ... but I still cried my eyes out...This is it this is the end....I need to tell you all again, this hair will not come back....please hear me I keep getting when it comes back this and when it comes back then... PLEASE HEAR ME NO HAIR EVER AGAIN!!!
When I got home mom and Lova left and this was my time to reflect in the mirror, what I was seeing back and it wasn't me. It was some hideous form of a previous me, I just stood there and I lost it, big time lost it... I screamed at the mirror, I screamed at the top of my lungs for minutes and minutes no words just pure raw pain and disgust that I was so hideous looking, oh my beautiful beautiful long thick curly masses gone all gone and never to be sen again, oh the pain and the anger and the fear of what I am now... Hideous as monster in my eyes, my face so bloated with these dam drugs, I know it will go away but I am not an attractive bald woman by no means...I hurt myself so badly screaming I went on all fours in my bedroom and just screamed. I started yelling at God asking what the hell else he needed from me why why the Fuck are you doing this to me, how much more do I need to pay , sacrifice, give, hurt, be brave, be inspirational.. what and why the FUCK are you doing this to me.......Just minutes before this break down, I just got info that my computer died, hard drive everything with no recovery, the last 4 years of my life my pictures my blog my everything and that was the breaking point. I screamed at God again and Im like really really you have to take my fucking computer now also , really everything take everything leave me with nothing you bastard....Now before you all start running and hiding for the lightning bolts as in my life as in my faith I am real.. god knows me better that I know my self he knows my feelings before I speak them so I can call him names and you know what mY God is big enough to handle it, so no guilt no fear of retaliation from my loving Father in Heaven, he weeps for me, and as i was on the floor I know he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my bald head and said I know your pain, Im sorry.... , he doesn't want me to go through this, this is a sin filled world never created to be so devastating to us his children, he wanted only love fellowship and good things for us. Its the world and Satan and sin that has fucked that up and our freewill not God.. If you believe in God that you have to believe in the other side to and he just want destruct pain and confusion,, he's doing a great job BTW...Sorry I digress..
So after my major snap, I call a friend text a friend and they allow me to cry my heart out and it was good. I needed it. so then after pouring the shit out. I get my rebels' face on yet again.. I sit a the kitchen table pull out a fat joint and I smoked that baby with absolutely no abandon or any kind of medical use... I poured myself a large glass of wine popped a morphine and said Fuck you body how about I hurt you today...and I did and it felt good!!!
so I am better now, still tears, still pain and Im still hideous but this to shall pass...Im ok and I will be ok, just needed that Fuck it moment and I did her good!
so my wonderful friends, we leave today for my island paradise my haven and my recouping peaceful place my son Rutger has asked to come and look after me and we are going to have a great time,this is going to be healing for me , for Brad as he gets to do his passion and i am going to live in the moment, me and MY Rutger are going to shake up that Island, so stay tune for HOPE's Recovery Shenanigans...There will be pictures and posts and You will see me living with this disease, not dying....So FUCK YOU CANCER...
RASPBERRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
PS there will be a Wonderful hair ode coming soon.. I will honour my locks in video and song...Stay tuned, The roller coaster ride has begun again.....
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