Good Morning Team Awesome...
I know it's been a while since I've officially written to you. I have had many messages from several of you asking how things are going and I've even been reprimanded for not keeping up with the writing daily or not doing updates. I apologize for not keeping in touch with you.
This has not been an easy road to travel in so many different ways... I know the last time I had written I had shared that my tumor had shrunk and that the doctor has extended my life expectancy for another 6-10 months which was wonderful news and I have so many of you to thank for your prayers support and words of encouragement..You would think with such wonderful news one would be flying high and living happiness to the fullest, but I wasn't and it was hard to write to you and share the feelings and emotions that I was going through. How could I be depressed or down with such wonderful news? How could I be so ungrateful with the miracles and the blessings I had been given? How could I ask more from you my loyal friends and loved ones? When I started writing and doing posts, it was to give information and to share what was happening with me and my health and so quickly it turned into something bigger than what I could ever image. Hundreds of people were reading my blog every day counting on me to deliver. Every time I went anywhere people I knew and even strangers were telling me that they were reading it and how inspiring and courageous and uplifting I was etc. WOW that was a lot of pressure!!! How could I be uplifting and courageous and be giving people hope and inspiration.. It was very confusing to me. I was just being me and I wasn't trying to be any of that. I was just sharing and being honest... I didn't want to let any of you down.. What if I fail at this? What if I don't inspire? What if people start thinking I'm being vain or thinking that I'm something that I'm not.
I was starting to stress and I didn't want to let anyone down. What if I'm not funny? or inspiring? or courageous? after such wonderful news how could I be so down and feel so alone? I think with how quickly I was diagnosed and then the treatments and then the short prognosis and then a reprieve and then making it to Christmas and wondering about the miracle drug then being approved and taking it and then finally finding out it was working was a very short time.. from October 22 to January 4th (10 weeks) it was a lot to process and I'm not sure if I really did, if I wasn't running on shock. How could I process everything they had told me? To find out first you have cancer, a type of cancer you can't even believe you have, then to be diagnosed terminal, and a very short time, and realizing how much my family doctor had failed me, to being given a another few weeks to live, to plan for your death with wills and funeral arrangements, to telling your children and parents that your dying, to reconciling relationships, to sorting out all your personal affairs, dealing with a business and then the miracle pill and a longer life expectancy...How can one person deal with all of that in 10 short weeks and as a mother trying to make everything ok for everyone else...It is hard to look after yourself when your use to looking after everyone else's needs first. I know all of you mothers know what I am talking about. There was so much pressure to make Christmas this great grand finale and I didn't feel well and to be truthful it wasn't that great. I slept a lot and just didn't have the energy to make it special for everyone...The drugs, the stress the weight gain, not being able to get my breath or walk up stairs, worrying about my kids and how will my husband get through this... laying in bed at night wondering how the end will come and will I be brave enough to face it gracefully...
I don't think I ever shared that my life insurance company paid me a portion of my policy because I was terminal. I received the check on Christmas eve...Money because I was dying....again very hard to process....
I think I have take these last 7-8 weeks to try and process all of it or as much as one person can...My hubby and I decided that if I was well enough and the doctor okay-ed it we would do some travelling and spend some time together and we have. We went to the Dominican and renewed our vows on the beach with friends and to get away. Then we decided to rent an RV and go to Texas for a month which is where I am now( the weather is a little nicer here...lol)...The one thing I have been trying to process is what is my purpose now??? What am I suppose to do with the next 6 months???Wait for my drug to fail?? wait for my health to deteriorate?? If you know me well you know I need a purpose a project something to keep me out of trouble but what????
Before I left for Texas I was asked by Heals for Hope ( a group that raises money for a different type of cancer every year.. I hope I have that right) if they could do and interview with me and video tape it as this year they were raising awareness for lung cancer. I was also asked by a friend if he could video tape me for a documentary he was working on, both of these I did. It was so very hard for me to do them as I said I have gained a lot of weight in a very short time and my self esteem and self confidence is very low, I look in the mirror I don't see me, I have even lost me in all of this. So what am I to do? how am I to inspire and give hope when I feel pretty hopeless right now. I thought by coming to Texas and getting away from everything that I would figure everything out but I didn't...We are coming home this week and I don't want to. I want to run away and not deal with any of this I want to pretend everything is ok.... but it's not...
so here I sit...
The one documentary that I was interviewed for was debuted this past Friday at doc fest in Belleville, it was very hard to watch. I have been given permission to share it with you and I will attach the link to it at the bottom of this...I know a few of you have seen it because I shared it on my vivacious page and Brad shared it. I didn't want to share it until I had written to all of you, I felt I owed you an explanation to my silence....By the length of this post I should have shared sooner...lol
If I have inspired you in the past then I will ask this favour of you...
Please inspire me!
Help me to get some sense of direction....
What am I to do but live.... I want to live well but what does that mean?
I know it's been a while since I've officially written to you. I have had many messages from several of you asking how things are going and I've even been reprimanded for not keeping up with the writing daily or not doing updates. I apologize for not keeping in touch with you.
This has not been an easy road to travel in so many different ways... I know the last time I had written I had shared that my tumor had shrunk and that the doctor has extended my life expectancy for another 6-10 months which was wonderful news and I have so many of you to thank for your prayers support and words of encouragement..You would think with such wonderful news one would be flying high and living happiness to the fullest, but I wasn't and it was hard to write to you and share the feelings and emotions that I was going through. How could I be depressed or down with such wonderful news? How could I be so ungrateful with the miracles and the blessings I had been given? How could I ask more from you my loyal friends and loved ones? When I started writing and doing posts, it was to give information and to share what was happening with me and my health and so quickly it turned into something bigger than what I could ever image. Hundreds of people were reading my blog every day counting on me to deliver. Every time I went anywhere people I knew and even strangers were telling me that they were reading it and how inspiring and courageous and uplifting I was etc. WOW that was a lot of pressure!!! How could I be uplifting and courageous and be giving people hope and inspiration.. It was very confusing to me. I was just being me and I wasn't trying to be any of that. I was just sharing and being honest... I didn't want to let any of you down.. What if I fail at this? What if I don't inspire? What if people start thinking I'm being vain or thinking that I'm something that I'm not.
I was starting to stress and I didn't want to let anyone down. What if I'm not funny? or inspiring? or courageous? after such wonderful news how could I be so down and feel so alone? I think with how quickly I was diagnosed and then the treatments and then the short prognosis and then a reprieve and then making it to Christmas and wondering about the miracle drug then being approved and taking it and then finally finding out it was working was a very short time.. from October 22 to January 4th (10 weeks) it was a lot to process and I'm not sure if I really did, if I wasn't running on shock. How could I process everything they had told me? To find out first you have cancer, a type of cancer you can't even believe you have, then to be diagnosed terminal, and a very short time, and realizing how much my family doctor had failed me, to being given a another few weeks to live, to plan for your death with wills and funeral arrangements, to telling your children and parents that your dying, to reconciling relationships, to sorting out all your personal affairs, dealing with a business and then the miracle pill and a longer life expectancy...How can one person deal with all of that in 10 short weeks and as a mother trying to make everything ok for everyone else...It is hard to look after yourself when your use to looking after everyone else's needs first. I know all of you mothers know what I am talking about. There was so much pressure to make Christmas this great grand finale and I didn't feel well and to be truthful it wasn't that great. I slept a lot and just didn't have the energy to make it special for everyone...The drugs, the stress the weight gain, not being able to get my breath or walk up stairs, worrying about my kids and how will my husband get through this... laying in bed at night wondering how the end will come and will I be brave enough to face it gracefully...
I don't think I ever shared that my life insurance company paid me a portion of my policy because I was terminal. I received the check on Christmas eve...Money because I was dying....again very hard to process....
I think I have take these last 7-8 weeks to try and process all of it or as much as one person can...My hubby and I decided that if I was well enough and the doctor okay-ed it we would do some travelling and spend some time together and we have. We went to the Dominican and renewed our vows on the beach with friends and to get away. Then we decided to rent an RV and go to Texas for a month which is where I am now( the weather is a little nicer here...lol)...The one thing I have been trying to process is what is my purpose now??? What am I suppose to do with the next 6 months???Wait for my drug to fail?? wait for my health to deteriorate?? If you know me well you know I need a purpose a project something to keep me out of trouble but what????
Before I left for Texas I was asked by Heals for Hope ( a group that raises money for a different type of cancer every year.. I hope I have that right) if they could do and interview with me and video tape it as this year they were raising awareness for lung cancer. I was also asked by a friend if he could video tape me for a documentary he was working on, both of these I did. It was so very hard for me to do them as I said I have gained a lot of weight in a very short time and my self esteem and self confidence is very low, I look in the mirror I don't see me, I have even lost me in all of this. So what am I to do? how am I to inspire and give hope when I feel pretty hopeless right now. I thought by coming to Texas and getting away from everything that I would figure everything out but I didn't...We are coming home this week and I don't want to. I want to run away and not deal with any of this I want to pretend everything is ok.... but it's not...
so here I sit...
The one documentary that I was interviewed for was debuted this past Friday at doc fest in Belleville, it was very hard to watch. I have been given permission to share it with you and I will attach the link to it at the bottom of this...I know a few of you have seen it because I shared it on my vivacious page and Brad shared it. I didn't want to share it until I had written to all of you, I felt I owed you an explanation to my silence....By the length of this post I should have shared sooner...lol
If I have inspired you in the past then I will ask this favour of you...
Please inspire me!
Help me to get some sense of direction....
What am I to do but live.... I want to live well but what does that mean?
Hope, through thick and thin, ups an downs, you are an inspiration to us all. It's your journey, your fight, determination, HOPE, will to live, love for your life and family, the way you are living right now and in your past, that keeps us inspired. There is no pressure. Just be you.
ReplyDeleteYou said you lost yourself in this journey. Just go back to you. It's all you know. You know how to be you. It's the easiest way to be.
I got a little lost myself, and my wonderful friend gave me the advice to just be me. I told him, I don't know how to be me, he laughed at me and said, that's all I know how to be. When I try to be someone else, or please others first, that's when life gets tough & no one is happy.
You know who you are. You know how to be you. Just do it!
I love you and think of you often.
K