2 Feet and a Heart Beat…..
Good Morning Team Awesome
I know it’s been a while since I done my blog; I've updated snippets here and there and asked for prayers.
It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for me. I guess first with the Relay for Life.  It was something I wasn't really sure I wanted to participate in. I mean, I never wanted to participate in the whole cancer thing….but here I am in the middle of it fighting it. I tried to stay out of it but that battle is not working so well.  I didn't want to be defined with, and known as, a cancer victim, survivor, patient, advocate, but I am all of these. On different days I have been all of these in different degrees and have struggled with the anger and frustration and the fairness of it all, but there is no fairness, there is no answers to the “why me, Lord”. I have had different levels of acceptance and anger and peace etc… The stages of death and dying… I feel like most days I have reached the place of peace.  I feel like I am not dying with cancer anymore but I am choosing to live with cancer for how ever long I am blessed to be here.  For the first time I feel hope that me being here is going to be a lot longer than anyone though, including me. I believe God has a purpose for me but I’m not sure what the heck it is and would really like to have a sneak peek at what is in store but he doesn't work that way, at least not for me.. With my walk, the Lord always seems to wait for the last minute to let me in on the plan, most likely so I don’t get in the way and screw it up…lol because I would…
Once I accepted the ideal that I am a cancer survivor I chose to enter a team in the relay for life and what better name than TEAM AWESOME… I was so afraid that I would not be able to walk around the track; I just didn't know what I was capable of.  To start the relay off, the entire group of survivors walk the first lap of the track with many onlookers - I was so afraid… They offered me a golf cart to do it in, but my pride and stubbornness wouldn't allow it, so I said, "nope", I will do it on my own even if I have to crawl it….and I did… I was lucky as Teresa Bell was there beside me and that really helped.  I needed someone to be there and spur me on even if she didn't know she was doing it... We walked together, I did it and didn't even come in last, not that It was a race or competition or anything (yes I know those of you who really know me for me it was a competition…lol). Just like the fund raising…not a competition, right Nancy & Suzette……As we were raising money for the relay I became somewhat….  hmmm what’s the word oh yes... driven, to be the best fund raiser.  I set a goal and blew by that with the help of so many of you….
That day I walked 12 laps. I wanted to do so many more and I pushed but that was it and that was ok….I never used and golf cart or a motorized scooter with a beaver tail and safety vest…lol  (for those of you who have read me from the beginning, you will remember the story). At the end of the day I was proud that my team I and made a difference.
Last week I asked for some pretty specific times of prayer and many of you wondered why. Well I feel like I can share with you now.  As you know I have a big beautiful store that I have put so much of me into…I have loved my success in it, it helped me grow through my mid life crisis. It made me realize that I can do anything I put my mind to, and that I am creative, talented, smart, and that I am a people person, and I have made so many new, fast friends who will be in my life forever. Two years ago, on April 3, I opened the doors to Vivacious with out a flipping clue as to what I was doing…no experience, no idea…I just stepped through the door and went with it… When I found out about my illness, I decided to put the business up for sale, at that time they said I wouldn't be around too long to deal with it... Well as of yesterday it is sold...Closing next week… It has been such a hard week for me, again so many many emotions, anger, fairness, hurt, tears and even more emotions than I think I can explain. It was a huge part of me and I sold it to the highest bidder…A whole other emotion… I am thankful that it is sold. I am very proud of what it has become. I did not want to close it.  I had given myself to June 1st to sell it or I was giving my notice, well true to my Lord and his plans for me I, received an offer on May 30 with it finalized yesterday.   Last Thursday I was told the offer was coming in, so what did I do….booked two tickets and flew out to my peaceful place, PEI…I’m a great runner away but that’s OK as long as there is a phone and internet you really can't run away….lol
The other day Brad and I went to a restaurant that had a gift shop in it. Brad order me a glass of wine as I went to look through the store at all the local crafts and trinkets...( I am not a trinket buyer but I enjoy the looks and talents)… I saw a neat painting painted on a large fishing buoy hanging from the ceiling and thought of my dad and Jan. They have decorated their home in a nautical theme since moving the island, so I thought would get it for them as a gift. I told the lady at the shop that I would like to purchase it if she could get it down for me. At the till there was a display of blueberry juice concentrate.  I noticed, picked up a bottle and asked what you do with it.  She told me you take a shot glass full every morning… me being me, I asked if it could be mixed it with alcohol spirits for a purely medicinal reason…lol, she chuckled and said why not, she continued to say that it was good for so many health issues and how full of good stuff it was…again in my usual fashion , I asked if it would cure cancer, she chuckled and said, "sure why not?", I said, "seriously I’m terminal".The silliness ended there as she looked at me with a heart full of compassion and said I’m so sorry, I lost my son the cancer. Well as I remove the wet soggy feet from my mouth yet again…lol our conversation turned. She shared her story with me and I interned shared mine, she had written a book called ``Gail of Wind`` after her sons death`. She donates half the proceeds the PEI children’s wish foundation.  So to my purchase of the buoy I bought a copy of her book… After I paid she asked if she could give me a hug which of course I never turn down a hug..She autographed my book and gave me her email, asked if I would stay in touch and I was thrilled to have this instant connection with this lovely woman,Gail Duguay, who was so filled with compassion, love, and life.
When she autographed the book she signed it   TO HOPE…TWO FEET AND A HEARTBEAT! That is her theme and mantra… every morning she wakes up and says do I have two feet and is my heart beating, if so then I am better off than so many.. I have nothing to complain about…
I guess I’m sharing this all because I believe it’s part of the plan for me….I have so much anger because of all the things I’m losing due to this cancer, my health, my business, we will most likely have to sell our home now,  and eventually my life…..this disease sucks…and its not fair.. It has taken so much away from me, so very much…I hate feeling helpless and all the control has been taken away from me ….  (I know I was never really in control) but I like to think I was... but on the other hand this disease has given me so much more that I can hardly complain…..It has given me a closer relationship with some wonderful people, especially my wonderful husband, Brad, new friendships, it has made me cut some people out of my life that didn't need to be there, it has given me an awareness of this disease that I knew nothing about, it has given me opportunities to share through this blog, the documentary the Joel did, the opportunity to speak through video (if I’m still here maybe in person…lol) for HEELS FOR HOPE in October, to raise money for this cause, to meet wonderful people that I never really knew, to be able to have an instant bond with a survivor or caregiver in a moments notice.  Next week I am meeting a lady who sits on the board of Lung cancer Canada to have a meeting with to see how I can help become a part of the education team.  Yes this damn disease has taken so much but yet given so much… So is the joke on me……..Have I received more than was taken, did I need to be pruned to grow more…..I don’t know the answers to that, all I know is that today I have two feet and a heart beat and nothing to bitch about………